Looking at what it means to be a man

GUYANA joined the rest of the world in celebrating International Men’s Day on November 19, a day usually marked by countless blue gifts and events aimed at celebrating what it means to be a man. But what does it really mean to be a man? This is the question that 45-year-old single father Randy Shepherd set out to answer when he developed Men Against Domestic Violence (MADAV). For more than 10 years, Randy has ventured around Guyana, talking to fathers and young men, with one slogan in mind: It’s okay for a man to say he’s not okay.

Georgetown-born and raised, Randy had an upbringing that many young men could relate to. Without his father in the picture, Randy was surrounded by violence from a very early age, seeing domestic violence against women as a norm. “In my little head at that time growing up, looking for a male role model, the first thing that came to mind was, this is okay to do. This is life. This is how you treat a woman,” he said.

Although violence was the backdrop of his childhood, Randy did not let that shape his perspective on life. As he stated, “As I grew and my mind developed, I realised that was wrong. Still, I was looking for that male role model. I took it on my own, and I told myself that I needed to do better.” Determined to break the cycle of toxic masculinity, he sought out positive influences. He found his own mentors, with a few men as well as women playing a crucial role in making him the man he is today. This guidance allowed him to complete school and lay the foundation for a better future. “I always tell myself from a kid growing up that I need to be the change that I want to see,” he said.

In 2014, life took an unexpected turn for Randy. Although he knew he had a son, the reality of fatherhood had not hit him just yet until one day, more than 10 years ago, when his son’s mother made a simple request: “My son’s mum just called me one day and said, ‘Come for your son.’ At that time, I was living alone. I never had the experience of raising a child.” He further added, “I got my son. That was one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life.” Determined to rise to the occasion, Randy embraced fatherhood. “I remember saying to him, ‘I don’t know how we’re going to do this, but we’re going to do it.’”

Randy admitted that the early days were marked by trial and error. Sharing some of his experiences, he said, “The first pot of porridge I made for my son, the lumps were so big, I had to get the rice kiln and strain it,” he recalls with a laugh. “The first time I tried to fold a diaper, I couldn’t get it right. So I went and bought a roll of scotch tape and taped it around.” Through these experiences, he developed a deep respect for single mothers. “It helped me respect women who are single parents because here I was, having the experience of raising just one child,” he admits.

His journey as a single father became the basis for an online community. More than a decade ago, Randy began posting on social media. From the challenges of fatherhood to the happy moments shared between him and his son, he posted it all in an attempt to connect with other single fathers, as he soon did, amassing a following of men learning to father just like Randy. “From raising my son, I started posting my experiences on Facebook. And I realised there were other men who could relate,” he says.

This is where Randy recognised the need for men to feel understood and supported. “Men don’t want to hear a lecture. They need someone to reason with who understands where they’re coming from, at the level they’re at,” he explained. This discovery is what sparked Men Against Domestic Violence, or MADAV, a nonprofit organisation that, as the name suggests, is aimed at men against domestic violence. But MADAV would soon evolve into a crucial, safe and supportive place for men.

In the decade since then, Randy has held outreaches in communities from Linden to Berbice. While working with young men and fathers, Randy says he has learned a new meaning of what it means to be a man, and it does not mean being macho. “To me, being a man isn’t about being macho or aggressive. It’s about being responsible, showing love, and being willing to grow and learn from mistakes,” said Randy.

Looking beyond his own family, Randy has made it his mission to support men and boys in his community, with MADAV evolving into a safe space for men. “We need to listen to men and make them feel wanted. They need to know they are important,” he says. As the world closes the curtains on International Men’s Day, Randy urges people not to close the curtain on men.

Through years of talking with thousands of angry young men and fathers feeling lost, Randy says his perspective on masculinity has shifted. He has partnered with various ministries and has crafted a database of single fathers in Guyana. Seeing men struggle, Randy says, has opened his mind to the idea that most men will struggle mentally or emotionally at some point in their lives. And while some men still find it hard to say they need help, when they do, Randy urges everyone around them to listen.