By Vanessa Cort
FEW of us have never heard the words, ‘big girls don’t cry.’ There was even a popular song made with this title, which many of my generation would probably remember hearing over our airwaves.
Fewer still have never been told that boys should not cry. And if we never heard it, then most of us have grown with the notion that boys, in particular, should never be reduced to tears and that as we grow older, we must keep a tight rein on our emotions.
While women and girls have generally been allowed to give vent to their feelings over the years, the same has not been true for men and boys. Indeed, females are expected to cry in certain situations and have been known to ‘turn on the water works’ when it suits them.
However, until relatively recently, males were expected to remain emotionally stolid in any given situation and it was considered unmanly to shed tears.
But a lifetime of drilling into our boys that they should never reveal emotional weakness and never reveal any signs of psychological distress cannot be undone in just a few years.
The majority of men still find it hard to talk about feelings they have kept buried most of their lives and would not be seen shedding tears in public and rarely even in private.
During this Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month — and having celebrated Father’s Day on Sunday — we are encouraged to look at men’s health on the whole, but especially their mental health. Research has shown some alarming figures, such as the fact that one in 10 men struggle with mental health concerns, but fewer than half will seek out treatment.
And in an article for Suburban Research Associates in the US, writer Danielle Ruth makes the point that, “Oftentimes due to stigma and judgement, men’s mental health can go dismissed or overlooked.”
She also warns that, “Just as physical health and illness, mental health does not discriminate against gender, race, background…” Conditions like [sic] depression and anxiety affect everyone, as well as some of the lesser seen mental health disorders such as schizophrenia and various phobias.
Right now, men’s mental health is trending on the popular social media app, Tik Tok, as users join in posting videos showing the challenges men face and helping to raise awareness on the topic.
According to Tik Tok, “Several videos have gone viral, attempting to show understanding and solidarity towards men’s mental health.”
These videos range from sharing statistics about men’s mental health, personal experiences with depression and loneliness, stories of lost loved ones due to unaddressed issues, or simply letting men know they are loved and appreciated.
While I do not seek to dwell on it, no discussion on men’s mental health can exclude the fact that more men than women take their own lives as a result of ‘bottled-up’ emotions. And according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.
My last article dealt with the tragic news that a young man I had recently met had taken his own life. I cannot help but think that this might not have happened had he felt able to confide in someone about the challenges he was facing and how they were affecting him emotionally.
Retired sociology professor Michael Kimmel bluntly told a publication, “Men are supposed to be stoic and never show pain and never show weakness, so no wonder many men feel like, ‘I can’t live up to that,’ because actually, human beings can’t live up to that’.”
Kimmel, who is founder of the Centre for the study of Man and Masculinities, suggested that men can build better mental health by creating strong bonds with others. And JulianneHolt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience said, “On the other hand, when people are low in social connections –due to [sic] isolation, loneliness, or poor-quality relationships — they face an increased risk of premature death.”
The message is clear. We have to show greater concern for the mental health of our men, by encouraging them to speak freely about their emotional struggles and help bring an end to the stigma attached to this subject.
