By Vanessa Cort

WHILE some people find it relatively easy to express what is on their mind and have no difficulty talking about their relationship and emotional challenges, others clam up, feeling awkward and unable to describe their thoughts.
Through the ages women have complained that men do not talk about their feelings. They talk about work, business, sports, their houses, their cars, their children – anything but what is bothering them emotionally.

Generally, women are far more inclined to admit to psychological or emotional problems and willing to discuss them with close friends, one or more family members or a mental health professional.
Men have been schooled from boyhood to solve their emotional problems themselves and, in fact, to not even admit to certain feelings such as anxiety or depression. The English refer to this as keeping ‘a stiff upper lip’ – remaining stoic and seemingly untroubled, despite the emotional turmoil that may be raging within.

In recent years, experts have been turning these notions ‘on their heads’ urging everyone to talk about what ails them, whether physical or mental.
Psychotherapist, Megan Bruneau says the main reason a person might have a hard time opening up is that they don’t feel “emotionally safe”, and may not be able to answer questions, “…because they haven’t asked the questions of themselves.” But above all the experts agree on the importance of listening

And Canada-based Guyanese counsellor and therapist, Shirvington Hannays, confirms this saying, “I know how I get people to talk, I disarm them by doing what most people don’t do – listen.” He also observes that people love to talk about themselves, but in communicating in relationships, “We don’t get to talk enough about ourselves…in a way that is assertive, not self-centered and self-absorbed.”

The therapist went on to talk of sharing to build connections, along with trust and respect, which he terms the “three key elements of good, active listening that can bring about therapeutic value for all parties involved.”
He stresses the need to empathise with clients but declares this is more than just seeing from that person’s perspective but “…after you see from their perspective, you have a clearer agreement that what they intended with their transmission, based on what they’re saying…you got it exactly as they intended.”

Hannays points out that from listening closely to people talking about themselves you can detect inconsistencies, then go on to outline those, provide options and then “leave it up to them to make a choice to shift their opinions about themselves, the world and their interaction with the world.”

He also advises that we should be mindful of the questions we ask, keeping them to a minimum and steering clear of ‘why’ and ‘what’, which tend to put people on the spot, causing them to go into “defensive mode.”
A better strategy, one rooted in motivation interviewing, is to constantly ask people what they mean by a particular comment or statement, which leads them to further explain themselves in their own words and come to their own understanding – an ‘ah ha’ moment.

And in words of encouragement, Britain’s Prince Harry said, with a touch of humour, “The experience I have had is that once you start talking about (experiencing a mental health struggle), you realise that actually you’re part of quite a big club.”