Independence means freedom for most people. Independence, in hindsight, is also self-sufficiency. I’ve always admired the concept of independence and all that it stands for. From an individualistic standpoint of what it means to be an independent nation—freedom can be calming and effective for growth. It is usually seen as a positive thing to have in one’s life. With that in mind, an overdose or overuse of anything can be harmful to us all. The same can be said for independence, in this case, hyper-independence. Hyper-independence can be defined as an excessive need for self-reliance. Individuals experiencing it actively avoid dependence in any form, relying on others for support or asking for help or assistance when need be.

It can result from a high level of emotional distress that was probably caused by betrayal and neglect. This type of behaviour can directly affect one’s relationship as it highlights the inability to seek emotional support, connection and help whenever it’s needed. It is often believed that hyper-independence is an interpersonal trauma response. Have you ever felt or know anyone who felt it’s exhausting to ask others for help because you feel you can’t be protected or rely upon their help or support? Well, that’s a prime example of hyper-independence. You may even feel as though you don’t deserve the social support offered. It’s as if you are meant to make yourself whole and be all that you need for yourself, by yourself—without a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold.

People with hyper-independence simply do not rely on others for help, guidance or accomplishments. They may also always have their “guards” up when they’re in relationships. A hyper-independence person might also be an overachiever and may have a very hard time delegating or sharing tasks with others. They may also experience a high level of stress and burnout and it’s obvious because they try to do it all without asking or looking forward to help from others. Being hyper-independent is not a badge of honour, nor should it be celebrated. People who have this behavioural response are usually seen as strong-minded and capable individuals, but don’t let that misconception deceive you.

Being independent should be celebrated. As an adult, having that sense of freedom to think and do as you know best is necessary and healthy. In the same breath, we must acknowledge the reality of hyper-independence and understand that it is not healthy behaviour. You shouldn’t be stifling healthy and meaningful relationships while trying to carry the world on your shoulders by yourself. I know there’s a thin line between the two, but if your sense or idea of independence turns out to do more harm than good, then you should stay clear of such behaviour. If you or anyone you know is experiencing hyper-independence, you must first do some self-reflection, understand how you got to that point, and assess how it affects your life daily.

If by chance you’re unable to function within social groups due to this behavioural response, then you should speak with a therapist or counsellor for further assessment and help. You may have been trying to recover from past trauma, but in the process, you become overly independent to the point where you don’t trust people, you don’t want attachments or you feel as though you cannot ask for help in times of need. It may have started as a form of protection for your own good, but what good is it when you can’t enjoy the goodness of social support, love and care?