MANY parents despair when they talk to their children, and the youngsters don’t listen. They end up saying things like: “It go through this ears and come out the next side” or “this child hard ears; if you can’t hear, you gan feel.”

There could be several reasons why children ignore the advice or information parents convey. The most apparent cause is a breakdown in communication between the adult and child, which could be amended if dealt with in the early stages.

Nonchalance: For example, the parent tells the child to come straight home from school, but the child lingers at the corner shop with his friends and comes home late.

The parent points out, “but I told you to come straight home, you must do as you’re told,” and the matter is left there, with no follow-up, no reprimand, no explanation of why children must adhere to parental instructions etc. Thus allowing the situation to fester rather than be corrected.

Subliminally, the child realises that it is not imperative to do as told; it is optional. His parent’s message has little weight, and the words have hardly any influence. Children who are the apple of their parent’s eyes or over-indulged can play around with adults in this manner.

They can have their way to some extent – which isn’t too problematic while they are at primary school. Still, it can have serious consequences during pre-adolescence when parents must keep children on the right track and steer them away from delinquency, peer pressure, promiscuity, and other teenage dangers. Parents who want to help children must mean what they say, and ensure that children pay attention – they must be trustworthy and stick to arrangements; especially those made for their safety and well-being.

Building a good rapport while the child is young – one where parents show mutual respect, love, and attention will make communication easier as they grow.

Deception: On occasions children do not listen to their parents due to a lack of respect. Once children lose respect for a parent, it is very hard to salvage. Some parents take the standpoint that children must do as they say but not as they do. It is difficult for children to understand this complex message as parents are their role models.

Children pick up gestures, mannerisms, language, morals, values, and outlooks on life from the folks around them.

If their role models are deceitful, dishonest or underhanded, they may emulate them while young without realising the perils of their behaviour. But as they grow and interact with peers and others, children form ethics, ideas and standards. Instead of watching and imitating what parents do, they begin to judge and question what goes on around them. Children can become disrespectful if parents fall short and do not set a good example.

Children do not understand why grown-ups cheat on each other, and the knowledge that daddy has a “sweet woman” or mummy has a ‘sweet man’ can feel like the ultimate betrayal. The child will find it hard to hold a “cheating” parent in high esteem and may not believe or care about advice or information the parent may wish to share. It is hard for a child to trust or believe in a deceitful parent.

Parents who tell bare-faced lies can also cause embarrassment and distress to children. The child may not have the courage to confront the parent, but they will remember that their parent lies. Children may behave disrespectfully and adopt a “don’t care” attitude. On the other hand, the child might adopt lying, cheating or deceitful behaviour as part of their style and strategy to get by in life.

Nagging: Children can hear their parent’s voices from the womb, and when they are born, they hear the same voices every day. In time, they become accustomed to the voices and appreciate them unless the voices are irritable and somewhat nagging. Parents might be warning them about what may happen if they don’t do this or that, or threaten them, scold or berate them. In other words, children tend to “switch off” when they hear the exact words and phrases; and receive the same negative reactions from parents consistently.

While parents may drift along managing to the best of their capabilities, to the child, it may seem like the “same old same old” – empty threats, meaningless words, and constant badgering – bordering on harassment. When communication breaks down considerably, it can take a long time to repair. Restoring or building a meaningful relationship can only take place if parents realise the problem (which is usually them) and aim to make amends. Some parents never examine their parenting style or find fault in their actions and behaviour.

As soon as conveniently possible, the child may (want to) leave home to get away from the oppressive manner in which they were raised. But even then, the emotional pain or upset of a toxic childhood will remain unless the individual consciously recognises what happened and attempts to self-heal.

Instead of talking “at” children, parents should to speak “to” them and listen to their ideas, thoughts and opinions. Children expect parents to be steadfast and clear, whether setting a reprimand for untoward behaviour or promising a treat for accomplished achievements. Parents must stick to what they say and carry it through.

When parents chop and change on a whim, they confuse children with mixed messages. Children need sureties, security and dependable, trustworthy adults in their lives, who they can talk and listen to in times of need. Adults who set good examples.

If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, call the CPA hotline on 2270979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY, MINISTRY OF HUMAN SERVICES AND SOCIAL SECURITY