IT is a comment usually heard following the death of a child or young person – ‘Parents should not have to bury their children’. Many will concur with this sentiment since it is a heart- wrenching task for parents planning for the funeral of a child who passed away.

Recently, in the US, a mass shooting at a school in Uvalde, Texas, claimed the lives of 11 children. Statistics show that gunshots are the leading cause of death among children in the US.
The procession of coffins after the Uvalde massacre was a sad indictment of a society that fails to keep its children safe, while parents are left to grieve the sudden death of their offspring.

In Guyana, we do not have the phenomenon of mass shootings but children die from illnesses and road accidents, among other causes.
No matter the manner of their death, whenever children pass away parents are never prepared. Though sudden death is particularly hard to cope with, the feeling of distress is just as great if the child succumbed to a prolonged illness.

Triggers are everywhere, from the sight of children playing or heading home from school, to hearing the child’s name or perhaps hearing the sound of laughter from a group of young people.
Experts tell us that, “the loss of a child may be the worst trama a human being can experience” and point out that the simple question, ‘How many children do you have?’ can spark intense emotional responses.

According to Deborah Carr, PH.D., Chair of the Sociology Department at Boston University, “The death of child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through”.
She refers to the fact that parents, and especially fathers, feel responsible for a child’s well-being, so that when they lose a child, “they’re not just losing a person they loved. They’re also losing the years of promise they had looked forward to.”

Parents mourning the loss of a child face some unique challenges along with what may be termed the usual psychological, biological and social issues. The mourning process is longer and parents never get over the loss of a child though they may learn to live with it. In addition, simple household tasks may prove difficult and the parents’ health may decline.

As with major grief responses, the loss of a child may lead to physical symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches and muscle cramps. However, another strange symptom has been referred to as the ‘broken heart syndrome’.

This condition, which closely resembles a heart attack and includes crushing chest pains, is caused when the body releases stress hormones as a reaction to emotional or physical stress and these can temporarily stun the heart muscle. To cope with these conditions, expert help is required.

Gail Saltz, M.D., a psychiatrist at New York Presbyterian Hospital says, “The first year after losing a younger child, a parent is at an increased risk for suicide and everything from major depression to complicated grief.”

She explained that ‘complicated grief’ is different from normal grief in that the symptoms are more intense and alternate with seemingly no symptoms when a kind of numbness takes over and impairs the parents’ ability to function.

Mothers, as the primary care givers, are seen as more wrapped up in their children and hence tend to show stronger emotional responses to the loss of a child.

And in the paper, ‘Bereavement Experiences after the loss of a child’, the writers had this to say: “The death of a child of any age is a profound, difficult and painful experience. While bereavement is stressful whenever it occurs, studies continue to provide evidence that the greatest stress, and often the most enduring one, occurs for parents who experience the death of a child”. In these cases, it is always important for parents to seek professional help to get over their grief.