Beating the odds and moving on after losing a loved one

SHE was just a regular girl who loved life and could bring a smile to anyone’s face. A teacher at School of the Nations at the time, she knew all too well how to get along with others and had a knack for putting those around her at ease with her bubbly personality, charm and wit.

But life would soon change for Latoya Henry (known as Latoya Towler). It was as if she had stopped living for a time, withdrawn and suddenly became embroiled in an emotional rollercoaster, not knowing what to do with her life.

It was the early morning of January 26, 2014, when she and her boyfriend, popular fashion designer Trevor Rose, were heading to her Eccles, East Bank Demerara home. The driver of their taxi would’ve never made a stop at the traffic lights had he known what was in store for them over the next few minutes.

Police had said at the time that it appeared as if Rose was gunned down execution-style in the car by someone who rode in a darkly tinted vehicle. A hail of bullets not only killed the designer but injured Latoya and the taxi driver.

“I’ve had my fair share of terrible situations, but the one that I wake up to every day is hearing the father of my son take his last breath near me,” Latoya shared during an interview with Pepperpot Magazine. It is the first time after eight years that she has agreed to share her story, even though doing so was just as hard as talking about it on day one.

Losing a loved one in death can never fully be understood by someone who has never experienced it. It is said to be one of the worst things that can ever happen to you, with the effects of the loss remaining forever for some people. So we asked Latoya to share what the experience was like, what someone in a similar situation could expect, and what are some effective ways of coping.

For one thing, the physical ordeal of Latoya’s experience was nothing compared to the damage, emotionally and mentally. She and Trevor had just about a year and a half before the incident become parents to Keanan, whom Latoya is grateful was not in the ill-fated car that night.

“For a very long time, I wasn’t the same person; it was really a complete change for me. My life had stopped at that point; I was confused, and emotionally and mentally, I was in a state of panic,” Latoya reflects. Of course, with her mind and emotions in that state, she could hardly be productive in anything that she was doing.

Continuing to care for little Keanan brought its own challenges. Even as he was just a baby when everything happened, he’d still remember certain things and question his mother about them. “Caring for his material and physical needs was the easiest thing. The more impossible was caring for his emotional needs because mine weren’t being properly cared for. Being able to respond to his questions about where is dad…he and his father shared a really close bond; Keanan was always hooked to his hips. The most difficult part was explaining to him that he wasn’t going to be around anymore.”

Accept the Reality
Latoya recalled that she developed quite a few unhealthy ways of dealing with the life-changing situation. In a place of anger for a long time, she now feels that she was angry at people she shouldn’t have been angry with and even with herself for a reason that she hadn’t even known. She didn’t allow herself to seek the help that she needed, and even when she tried, it didn’t work out because she simply was not ready to deal with the reality of her new circumstances. “I got worse over a period of time. I started to see a therapist and that didn’t last for too long because it involved work on my part; work that I wasn’t willing to put in at the time.”

Latoya, like many others in her situation, had never considered the possibility of living without someone so dear to her, so when it sprang upon her out of nowhere, there were all these new emotions and situations that she had to deal with.

“It’s never easy living without someone that you’ve already set your mind and heart on having this person in your life always; it really crushes you and sometimes we want the world to stop; we want our very lives to stop moving and that doesn’t happen because life continues. We’ve just got to figure out how we are going to move forward with our lives, while holding on to beautiful memories. My advice? Accept the reality that the world doesn’t stop spinning when we lose someone so close to us.”

Thankful for Little Things
With the loving help of her supportive family and friends, Latoya has been able to move on and is now very happy again. “I am thankful for my family and friends who stuck with me and were so encouraging, even though my life at the time was a mess. My son was also a reminder to me that I needed to pull my life together. One of the main reasons I am in a position where I can talk about this and have a grip [on] my emotions is because of my son. Kids really bring out the best and the strength in us.”

Latoya’s resilience and positive spirit have done much to help her find success in moving on. Looking back on all of the ugly situations she’s had to face, she couldn’t be happier with her lot in life at the moment. “Every day, I feel very grateful for life. My situation has reminded me of the need to be grateful for the little things and the people around me. And even though I still have struggles, I am going to keep trying.”

Latoya now has a beautiful, new family with her caring husband Kevin; together with Keanan, they are now based in Virginia,in the United States. “Life is a gift, and I plan to use it as such.

I am definitely happy at this point in my life, and that’s something I was afraid to say for a long time because I would feel like [sic] I wasn’t supposed to be happy because of what happened; like being happy would be like a betrayal. It’s hard to explain, but at this point, I am not afraid to say that I am happy and that’s a big accomplishment for me.”

Even though anxious thoughts still do come up, Latoya shares what helps her cope: “I pray a whole lot, and I ask God for peace of mind and for a calm heart so that I can go through the day. I also work out. I found that staying active physically helps my mind, so I try to work out often.”

Latoya has an activewear brand of gym clothing that she produces online (Full Effect Shop), and this also takes up a lot of her time. “My husband just retired, so we are trying to do things together like an old retired couple,” she joked, adding, “We plan to do a lot of travelling. This will help me to focus on enjoying the moment.”