DYSFUNCTIONAL adults love each other today and ‘cuss’ and fight tomorrow. They stop talking for weeks, sleep out, and find ways to hurt each other for revenge. They have a ‘sweet’ man or a ‘sweet’ woman on the side for kicks, and they flirt. They do not make good parents; their focus is in the wrong place, on the wrong things. When all is good between them, they are very good, and when things get bad, children suffer.

They can take out their frustration on their children leading to physical or verbal abuse. In addition, they are inattentive and self-satisfied. They never connect to their children enough to impact their overall development positively. Unfortunately, children are pawns or collateral in their games and dramas; and through their behaviour, children attain a warped idea about relationships, loyalty, love and life.

Dysfunctional adults love their children in their way; they mean them no harm. They cannot see how their poor conduct and instability can shape a child’s outlook and view on life. But children are easily influenced by their parents and environments. They witness their behaviours to be normal and unwittingly portray what they learn – they know no better.

One young man recalls: ‘My Parents were not married and I lived with my mom in a small apartment from as far back as I remember. Daddy would come some nights and sleepover; I would wake as mom opened the door to let him in. I heard them talking and even laughing sometimes, but he paid little attention to me.

When he was still there in the morning, he would call me and talk about education and getting a good job. He gave mom a small piece when I needed anything, and that was the extent of his fathering. My mother did her best, but her limited experiences meant that mine was too. I learnt a lot of things by myself or through trial and error.

I remember feeling bad when other boys spoke of their fathers; I could not contribute because I hardly had contact or communication with mine. I’m an adult now, with three children and two baby mothers. I live on my own cause I don’t get on with either woman. I see my children and buy what I can for them when they need it. Every month I buy milk, rice and biscuits. Those children are growing up, just like I had, without the security and consistent love of a father, but such is life’.

More children grow without knowing fathers than mothers. Some adults like to think, the things you’ve never had, you’ll never miss. But fatherless grown-ups are still aware that something more, or someone should have been there for them as they grew – there remains a void. One should not underestimate the warmth, security, love and inspiration of a solid, reliable father.

A young lady says: “My brother and I had a dismal childhood. Not because we didn’t have food, clothes or a decent place to live. But looking back, what I realise is that my mother and father were miserable people. They used to antagonise each other over small, unimportant things; it seems they got joy out of it. The subject would soon become a quarrel that went on for weeks whenever their paths crossed. Living in that type of atmosphere was damaging for us, but we didn’t realise it at the time.

If we were watching TV, trying to escape the gloomy atmosphere, dad would come home, turn it off and send us to bed. We were not to blame for their decrepit relationship but felt the brunt of their displeasure with each other. As a child, you could have all the material things you need, but if you don’t feel love from your parents or feel they appreciate you, you’ve lost.

Our parents were divorced just before we left home. So all four of us went separate ways. My brother and I often speak about the two of them; we wonder why they got married in the first place and whether they loved us. I’m a single mother, but I have a great relationship with my 9-year-old son. I would never make him feel miserable or unloved. My brother says I can be cold at times, and some of mom washed off on me, but I can’t see it. Luckily for him, he seems unblemished by our childhood.

He has a nice place, a girlfriend and a good job. I hope he keeps it up, gets married and becomes a great dad someday. Time will tell. I give my parents the respect they deserve; I call them to see how they’re going and give Mother’s Day and Father’s Day presents. If we are having a party, I invite them but other than that we do not socialise. I don’t go out of my way to have them around me. They remind me too much of my gloomy childhood.”

Emotional scarring is just one of the symptoms leftover from a toxic childhood. Having relationship difficulties as an adult and low self-image are others. While no childhood is perfect, it is important to highlight where parents go wrong, to modify their behaviour and help them improve—strengthening families, community and nation and thus becoming a beneficial influence.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child call the CPA hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com

A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY,
MINISTRY OF HUMAN SERVICES AND SOCIAL SECURITY