by Anju Vivekanandaraj
LOOKING at ‘Shame’ through the lens of compassion
Of all the different human emotions, shame is a simple and innocent emotion that comes from our desire to belong and to be loved. Self-criticism, self-judgement, thoughts of unworthiness or belief that we are undeserving and unlovable make shame one of the most distressing and painful emotions.

“I’m not doing good enough”
“I’ll never be enough for my partner”
“I will never get this right because I’m a loser”
“I’m unworthy of her love”

“These are some of the stories that our minds tell us when we feel shame”
When shame is actively working in our minds, it can cause us to withdraw, hide, and isolate from others, contributing heavily to desperate loneliness. If we look a little deeper, oftentimes underneath that feeling of shame are a lot of other difficult emotions such as anger, fear and sadness. And the shame can make it harder for us to deal with other emotions until it’s been properly addressed or dealt with.

What makes shame so harmful?
In contrast to guilt, which is about our behaviour or about something we have done, shame is about ourselves or who we think we are. Shame makes us believe that we are flawed and also that other people see us as flawed too. People feeling shame believe that they’re so defective and deserve whatever bad things have befallen them. Studies have shown shame to be linked with depression, addiction, violence and other self-destructive behaviours.

Although shame is a temporary feeling, it can force us to think of past and present experiences, reliving them leading to pain. It can also make us feel empty and think that we have nothing worthy to contribute, thus tapping into our negative states.

We act out based on secondary emotions of shame, such as anger and frustration, which further leads to shame and the cycle is repeated. Most importantly, the shame diminishes our value by convincing us that we are worthless and that we deserve less in life

The truth is, you deserve to feel your worthiness and goodness. You deserve to know you are enough and lovable as you are and you deserve to be kind to yourself, just as you would be to anyone in your life.

Self-compassion, an antidote to shame
Take a moment to reflect on ‘What will you do if you come across a friend or family member experiencing the feeling of shame and unworthiness?’ Would you be harsh towards them or show some kindness and empathy?

Just like you would give empathy or kindness to another person, showing kindness towards oneself is called self-compassion. The next time you find yourself feeling ashamed and have the urge to be harsh on yourself and others, treat yourself to a kind dose of self-compassion by doing the following five-minute practice:

1. Think of a situation in your life that is causing you the feeling of shame and unworthiness. It can be related to a health problem, relationship issues, work or other struggles.
2. Visualise the situation clearly in your mind. What is the place? Who is there with you? What’s happening? What is that you and others are doing?
3. As you visualise, notice the thoughts that come to your mind, the feelings and what happens in your body (bodily sensations)
4. Now try saying to yourself, “this [is] a moment of suffering”as you notice the discomfort or the sensations in your body
5. Now try saying to yourself: “Suffering is a part of life” or “I’m not alone. Everyone experiences suffering and this is how it feels when people struggle in this way”
6. Offer the gesture of tender touch: Place the hand over your heart with a tender touch and direct some kindness inwardly towards yourself by saying a few words of kindness such as, “May I be kind to myself,” “May I give myself what I need,” “May I be strong,” “May I forgive myself’” or “May I learn to accept myself as I am”
7. If there are any particular words or phrases of kindness that you would like to hear right now in this difficult situation, try saying that.
8. Take a few moments to embrace the feeling of warmth and kindness

To tackle the shame, we need to believe that the stories our minds have internalised from our past experiences aren’t true, so we can let go of them. When the emotional wounds underlying the shame heal, we begin to change the narrative our minds tell us. And with self-compassion, we have the emotional resource to own our life story and to live with wholeheartedness.
Thank you for reading! Kindly send in your feedback, questions or any topic that you would like to address to innerpeacegy@gmail.com. If you would like personal counselling or therapy sessions (online and in-person), please call me at 613-9255

“If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive.” — BRENÉ BROWN