IT may be more than one year later, but Worldwide, people still feel the effects of the pandemic, and children especially are suffering. Some are suffering due to lack of access to personal classroom teaching. They are suffering because their parents do not have enough money to pay bills and provide food. They suffer because they are uncertain about their tomorrow and because parents continue to fight over access and custody issues.
Why can’t parents set aside their differences and put children first? Why can’t they understand that parents have equal rights over a child? Why do they continue to use children as pawns to hurt or annoy their ex-partner? And why can’t they see how their thoughtless actions, bad attitude and spiteful words to each other, can have a negative long-term effect on their children?
Parents sharing access to a child should be a smooth and undramatic process. Children should feel peace of mind before they leave: while the transition takes place from one parent to the next; and when they return. Parents can achieve this if they are child-focussed and do not harbour afflictions, such as remnants of emotional pain or continually have an ‘axe to grind’.
Co-parenting can be challenging, but it does not have to be unpleasant. Because it plays a significant part in children’s overall growth and well-being, it should be a positive experience. In the beginning, it will take time for parents and children to adapt to the situation. There may be problems to iron out and emotions to fine-tune, but with patience and perseverance adults can find resolutions.
Why is this truce necessary? It is necessary because the welfare and safety of children must come first. To co-parent successfully parents must first understand why their children need input from both parents. The involvement of both parents in a child’s life gives stability and significant emotional, psychological and health benefits to child development. Having a good relationship with both parents builds a child’s confidence and enhances the opportunity for a more successful outcome in life.
Everyone has their preferred way of living and some parents believe their child is better-off not knowing or spending time with the other parent. This may be due to alcohol or drug misuse or immature parenting skills displayed by the estranged parent.
Lifestyle choices, such as excessive gambling, partying, or criminal activities in the home, do not provide the best environment for children to spend time. And some parents worry about persons to whom children may be exposed when not in their care.
No one can ‘police’ what goes on in people’s homes when children visit, but if a genuine concern is evidence-based, alternative arrangements can be made, rather than completely severing the bond between child and parent.
If parents can formulate this agreement amicably, all the better. If not, then the Childcare and Protection Agency or Court proceedings may be necessary. Decisions are determined in the child’s best interest.
Parents have the option of working out and agreeing on a compromise such as visitation taking place in a neutral home for the day, at an uncle’s, aunt’s or grandparent’s residence. Children can spend time with their parent on picnics in the park or on family outings. Having some contact with a ‘wayward’ parent is better for a child than no contact at all.
Children will always want to know and spend time with their parent regardless of the parent’s lifestyle. They need to feel genuine care, affection and protection from the people who bore them. When both parents want the best for a child despite their differences, it is a selfless agreement with primary focus on the child. They realise the child loves and needs them both.
Can you imagine what it is like for children to see adults, squabbling over them or calling each other offensive names? Sometimes parents say hateful things about each other in the earshot of children. How can children make sense of parents hating each other when once there was (and there is meant to be) love? Parents create an emotional turmoil of which children bear the brunt.
It is said that one good parent is better than a good-for-nothing pair. In some cases, single parenting seems best and single parents who juggle their employment and hard-earned dollars with caring for their families must be commended. But they should not paint a negative picture to the child about the absent parent.
Children come from TWO parents, so bad-talking the absent parent is tantamount to bad-talking your child. DNA from both parents make up the child, it does not come from one parent alone. So If a mother feels the absent father is a dog and an underground snake who betrayed her, or the father feels the absent mother is a worthless lying tramp, whom he will never forgive, they should not visit their adult emotions and definitions upon their children. Parents can discuss the facts and circumstances surrounding the estranged parent when children are older (adolescents) and have better understanding. The future may be unsure but while we have today let us use our positive energy to defuse toxic, unpleasant situations and work towards compromise, understanding and love for our children and our fellowman.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, call the CPA hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY,
MINISTRY OF HUMAN SERVICES AND SOCIAL SECURITY
