AT some time during our lives, we will experience bereavement, and how we deal with it, as adults, has an impact on how it is perceived and accepted by the children in our presence.

A grown woman told the tale of how her aunt took her to the viewing of a deceased neighbour when she was around six years old.
The aunt, who wanted the then child to stop sucking her thumb, told her as they peered at the remains, “If you don’t stop sucking your thumb, Ms Rosie (the deceased) will come for you tonight.” The woman, now in her late 60s, recalls how she was terrified for years, and she most definitely ceased sucking her thumb.

One can only hope that, nowadays, adults have a better understanding of how to interact with children at times of bereavement. When a family member or close friend dies, it affects everyone in the family in different ways. Those who were particularly close to the deceased may feel inconsolable, weak and grief-stricken; they undoubtedly will need empathy and support.

Children are often overlooked during trying and traumatic times such as these, as the focus and responsibility falls upon the adults to cope with their grief while making necessary arrangements. But children also need to be supported.

When someone, who is usually around, is no longer there, even very young children (Birth to 18 months) can feel a sense of loss, and are conscious of the unhappiness and sorrow that emanates from the people around them. Trying to keep their routine as normal as possible will help them through what can seem like a confusing and unsettling time.

A child’s concept of death, up to the age of about four years old, can be influenced by what they have seen in cartoons and various characters on television. They can easily believe that death is reversible, and the person could bounce back to life. It is advisable to talk openly, but age-appropriately, to children of this age, should the need arise.

They need to understand that all living things have a lifespan, and are subject to grow old and die, usually in that order; that it is nature’s way of making room for new things to blossom and bloom. Our life’s cycle is an amazing science that we need to accept and embrace.

When an elderly person is ill and receiving palliative (end-of-life) care, it is easier to explain to a child that the person is old, unwell and may soon die. A small amount of mental preparation can buffer the impact of the loss when it occurs; although, for all involved, it will still be a distressing and bewildering experience.

Children deal with grief in different ways; unlike adults, they might be sorrowful one moment and playing games the next. It may seem as if they have conquered their grief, but they are simply finding their way of coping with the trauma of bereavement

When someone dies unexpectedly, through an accident or sudden illness, it can be a shock that both adults and children find hard to comprehend. Helping children to express their feelings, through talking or by reading them a story in which a person or animal dies, will encourage conversation.

It is quite normal for children to cry, and for them to see their family members crying; but grief is a personal emotion, so as far as it is possible, parents should try to reduce the amount of drama and anguish that children witness during this sensitive period.

Arts and crafts, such as painting, drawing pictures and making models, can be therapeutic ways of relieving grief for children. While children cannot be protected from the experience of the pain of loss, parents can, however, help them develop suitable coping skills.

Feelings of emptiness, confusion, sorrow and sometimes even guilt can be part of the emotional turmoil that children experience at a time of bereavement. They need to feel loved; to be hugged and reassured that all will be well. Space, time and a listening ear could make all the difference to how they cope.

Having an understanding person to talk to is always better than keeping things bottled up inside. Because children do not know any better, they may prefer to hold things inside rather than run the risk of upsetting an adult who is already in grief.

It is a fact that people do not like to talk about death, but it is, undoubtedly, the one thing we can be sure of in life. It is better to allow children to ask questions and express their feelings during times of bereavement, rather than dismissing or overlooking what they are more than likely experiencing.

If you are concerned about the welfare of a child, call the CPA hotline on 227 0979, or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY, MINISTRY OF SOCIAL PROTECTION