Domestic violence survivor tells her story

By Telesha Ramnarine

SHEFFIELD ‘Sheffy’ Douglas, who was recently honoured as part of Guyana’s 25 most influential women, endured an abusive relationship for 13 years before deciding to quit. She wants everyone to know that instead of being judgmental about the persons who remain in such relationships, persons should seek to understand how difficult it is to just pick up and leave.

But by no means is she advocating that the victims of domestic violence should remain in their disastrous relationships. How she wishes she had herself been strong enough to stop going back to the relationship every time she left.

Sheffy was born and raised at Bartica, in Region Seven (Cuyuni/Mazaruni), and attended the secondary school there. But her mom fell ill and so she had to drop out of school to help care for her four siblings, of which she was the eldest.

When she was 18 years old, though, Sheffy realised that she still wanted to write CXC and thus enrolled in a one-year programme at the Critchlow Labour College, which allowed her to sit the exams. She met her abuser shortly after and they married.
Little did Sheffy know, the long, bumpy ride that she was in for when it came to the thing called marriage. He was wealthy and powerful, as he was well-connected in ‘higher’ places. He was the one who would also care exclusively for Sheffy’s needs.

The bumpy road
It was a marriage of 13 years, with several breaks in between. In fact, they even got divorced, but eventually got back together. The longest Sheffy remained separated from him was three years, and still, she went back.

“Your abuser always has the perfect words; skilled at telling you all that you want to hear,” Sheffy expressed during an interview with the Pepperpot Magazine a few days ago. “But don’t ever go back because it only gets worse. Believe me, it’s only good for a few months and then it comes right back,” she advised.

The union bore a son and a daughter, and it was when Sheffy’s abuse spilled over to her daughter that she decided that she would have no more of it. “I took all that he was doing to me, but I couldn’t accept what he was doing to our daughter.”

“I’ve never felt so empty, so shallow. I never felt so stripped of my dignity. I was helpless,” Sheffy recalls about her feelings during those turbulent years.

She fought to gain access to tertiary education because she could clearly see its value. As such, despite the stresses of the relationship, she was able to secure a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Work. She also wanted her children to benefit from a sound education, and this in itself constituted one of the reasons Sheffy said she kept returning to the relationship.
“I think it’s imperative that people understand that abuse in relationships goes way beyond physical, sexual and verbal. In my opinion, being economically abused, as I was, traps women more to stay in abusive relationships,” Sheffy says.

She regrets today that she never reached out to her family for support. In her mind, she would have been like a failure going back to their house for lodging.

“Domestic violence can be very tricky; it’s like a little web. But it’s better for your business to be out on the street than for you to be six feet under.”

Taking Control

“There’s a sense of waking up every morning and knowing you’re in charge of you. I cannot even describe the feeling,” Sheffy said about her feelings each day since leaving that relationship. Although suicidal thoughts crossed her mind many days, she is grateful that she didn’t take her life. “I feel free. The court awarded me sole custody of my kids and I have a wonderful partner who has been instrumental in my recovery and that of the children.”

Sheffy could not hold back her tears as she reflected on how life has changed for her, and the emotionally supportive role that her new partner is playing in her life.

“There’s life after such a relationship and you can find it all again,” she says. “Many tend to give up and think they must stay because they have no work experience, or they have nothing to fall back on, but once there’s a will, there’s a way.”
Sheffy was nominated by President of the Guyana Women Miners Organisation (GWMO) Urica Primus at the recent awards ceremony for her voluntary work with the organisation over the past four years.

Apart from being a woman rights activist and volunteer at GWMO, she is also the Deputy Coordinator of the Trafficking in Persons Committee, and a first responder and counsellor.
Sheffy was selected from among about 500 women to be a part of Vital Voices, co-founded by Hilary Clinton and based in Washington, United States. Through this organisation, Sheffy has become of the women leaders fighting to combat human trafficking in her country.
Furthermore, Sheffy is the founder and CEO of Thunder Mining Company, which seeks to promote the environment and sustainable mining.

“People would say you’re educated; you’re supposed to know better, but they don’t understand the level of control that someone has over you. Being independent and taking control of your own life is so important.”

Sheffy said those who wish to learn more about the work she is doing and about the GWMO can connect with the organisation through its various social media platforms.
Sheffy is currently happy and shares her time between mining and caring for her children, which includes two foster ones.