MANY adults, either by mistake or design, treat children as though they are companions rather than children who are developing and in need of guidance. As a result, the line that distinguishes parent/adult from child becomes blurred. Although the child is aware on one level, that the adult is his/her parent or caregiver and provider, on a personal level the child will relate to the adult more like an equal or a friend: and just like friends, the adult will laugh, make jokes and share events and sometimes even secrets, with the child. Inadvertently, the child will begin to respond to the role of adult companion.

Outwardly, to discern adult/parent/carer from child is not difficult. That is until the adult attempts to put guidelines in place or tries to create boundaries for the child: this is where the problem begins. If the child does not agree with the adult putting his/her ‘foot down,’ or has a problem with the rules and regulations, the child would retaliate, sometimes to such an extent, that the adult will ‘give in’ to the child just for some peace. Adults tend to back down because they cannot take the whining, crying, or tantrums associated with the disgruntled child. What the adult fails to realise is that the child’s negative behaviour stems from the relationship that the adult created between them: Adults create their own ‘Frankensteins’.

The way children think and behave is initially influenced by the adults around them: secondly, through their peers and community: and lastly, they are influenced by the things to which they are exposed. Because adults have the biggest influence over children, they must mean what they say and say what they mean. For example, the adult will say, ‘No you cannot have ice cream until after your dinner’, and the child might reason, ‘but the food is not ready, please can I have just a little?’ The adult would reply, ‘I said no, and no means no’. At this point, the child may start strategic attention-seeking (tantrums, whining crying, misbehaving) performed solely to change the adult’s mind and get his/her own way.

Nine times out of 10, children who have their performances down to a ‘T’ are successful.
Children need to know where they stand within their family dynamics and what is expected from them, e.g. obedience, good behaviour, manners, attentiveness, etc. They also need discipline and structure in their lives. Clear guidelines should be created by parents, while the child is young and adjusted, age appropriately, as the child grows. In turn, adults need to establish and display their reliability, responsibility, guidance, love and devotion to raising their children in a balanced, stable setting.

Regardless of how lonely an adult may be, it is not good practice to use children as a ‘shoulder to lean on’ in place of a partner or friend. Adults who do this tend to confide things to children that they should be sharing with people their own age. They ask the child for his/her opinion and actually take advice from the child, when in reality, it should be the other way around.

When children have lived this role for a while, it becomes very difficult, but not impossible, for the adult to ever receive from the child, the level of ‘respect’ necessary for successful child rearing; and should the adult or parent find a partner or replace the child with a friend, the child may become resentful of the third party. (This means more tantrums and bad behaviour.)

But all is not lost. If you recognise yourself from any of the above and can relate to the fact that you are in a disjointed relationship with a ‘child’ through one set of circumstances or another, you can work on changing the situation and balancing, even tipping the scale to your advantage. The first thing you need to do is realise the importance of your adult role in the relationship. Children rely on adults to set examples and to guide them in the right direction. The role of the adult/ parent must be understood by both parent and child; you may have to work on establishing this clearly over a period of time.

You must also want to change the situation sincerely and not be half-hearted in your approach. You have to make the decision to ‘stick to your guns,’ regardless of the tantrums, ‘long mouth’, bad attitude, or crying and anguish the child might display (even if it feels like it’s touching your soul) you need to stand your ground and be firm. There is only one ‘child’ in the relationship and it is not you; besides, if you make these sacrifices now, both you and the child will benefit from them in the long run. If you need help or advice you can speak to one of the Childcare and Protection Agency officers on 227 4082 or 225 1117.

If you are concerned about the welfare of a child call the Childcare and Protection Agency hotline on 227 0979 or write to us at childcaregy@gmail.com
A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY, MINISTRY OF SOCIAL PROTECTION