IT may sound odd, but some parents are really not connecting with their children in the right way and as a result, they may need to seek professional advice or attend parenting skills workshops (through the Childcare and Protection Agency). These parents do not realise that they lack the necessary skills to impact positively on their children; and the problem is compounded by the fact that they tend to blame the children, branding them as ‘own way’ or ‘unruly,’ when the fault usually stems from the parent’s method of parenting or ‘lack of’ and their outlook on the child in hand and the situation.

They tell children things like, ‘Shut yuh mouth, yuh playing a man: two men can’t live under one roof, I gan deal wid yuh case’, or ‘Get out me eye sight, I aint want you here, if u playing you’s a woman, you better gah lang yuh way.’ Talking to a child in this way is unpleasant and irresponsible; even if the words are spoken out of anger, they are imbedded in the child’s mind and can still do damage: furthermore, they cannot be ‘unsaid’ or retracted. These parents have no way of knowing how much harm they are doing to the ‘adult’ within the child with their derogatory words and mannerisms.

‘Look boy, move yuh ugly self from here’, or ‘you carrying on like you don’t have owner, you soon get belly.’ ‘You’s a good for nothing…just like yuh father.’ These are just some mild examples of the things that are being said to children by their parents on a daily basis and all of them will affect the child negatively.

Very seldom will a child have enough self-esteem or resilience to tell him/her-self that the adult is wrong and that he/she can, and will do better and make something of his/her life.
Children rely on parents to tell them the right things at the appropriate times and to give them positive inputs; but how can a parent or guardian do these things for their child, if they themselves have never experienced the value of positive inputs from adults and/or they do not understand the ever-changing role they need to play as a parent?

Many parents tend to treat their children the way they were treated as a child: never taking the time to evaluate the bad traits that they may have inherited from their family and subsequently pass on to their children through their words and behaviour. This is how family dysfunctions are handed down from generation to generation, and this is one of the reasons why we have parenting skills workshops.

In order to connect to a child, a parent needs to relate to the child. Parents sometimes have a preconceived idea of how a child must be, and how they are meant to behave and respond; but growing children are forming their own opinions and behaviours, they need guidance, not instructions.

To relate to a child a parent must be aware of the child’s stage of development and what the child is likely to be experiencing during that phase of growth. It’s not that a child is ‘playing a man’ or that a girl-child is ‘acting like a woman so she soon get belly.’ No, it’s just that young people are fast becoming young men and women and they are ‘testing the waters,’ so to speak.

They are simply seeking their identity and wondering if they have “made the grade” in terms of attraction, charm, fashion, popularity and trend etc. If a parent can begin to relate to this juncture in their child’s life and connect with the child accordingly, there would be no reason for harsh or cruel words, but plenty of room for words of guidance, understanding and advice. Parental support will be welcomed and heeded by the child, especially if there has always been good communication between the child and his/her parent(s) from the inception.

If not and if ‘talking to’ a child has only recently become a necessity for a parent or guardian, then it may take longer to get through, but it is never too late to start; even if the child appears to show no interest, don’t give up. Showing respect is also important when dealing with children. Some parents feel they have a right to talk down to their children and insult them, and treat them in any manner they choose. But respect must be mutual and if it is not shown genuinely to a child, the parent should not be surprised if there comes a time when the child fails to show any respect to his/her parent(s).

If you need assistance or advice from a childcare and protection officer ring the Childcare and Protection Agency on 225 1117 or 227 4082 and If you are concerned about the welfare of a child you can ring the CPA hotline 227 0979 or email childcaregy@gmail.com

A MESSAGE FROM THE CHILDCARE AND PROTECTION AGENCY, MINISTRY OF SOCIAL PROTECTION