Dear Editor

A domiciled Guyanese recently posted on Facebook that women should stop provoking men, since such provocation leads to domestic abuse. This victim-blaming is nothing new but it is indeed astounding that there are still women who propagate such a view, yet claim to be anti-abuse activists, as this poster does.

Experts have reached a consensus on several common characteristics among batterers — they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship. For some abusers, violence is a tool to keep their intimate partner from leaving the relationship, ensure that she ‘knows her place’ and ‘respect’ him, although respect is generally equated with fear. Abuse then is the continuous result of power inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of and harmed by the other, who feels powerful in the relationship context, with ‘provocation’ being a mere excuse to exhibit this power.

Yet the same individual who hits his partner or child would be quite angry if a police officer pulled him up for no reason and/or demand a bribe, but he would never chose to hit the police officer.  Similarly, that person would put up with provocation, but never chose to hit a boss, a worker in a government office, someone in authority or someone bigger and stronger than him.

Yes, abuse is a choice, which means there are non-violent alternatives. However, in a society where abuse has been normalized, women are still subservient to men, males are still socialized to see themselves as the ones with ‘power’ in a relationship (you a de maan) and citizens see abuse as not their business, alternate choices are hardly ever considered. Such alternatives include: do not overreact but stay calm and take a walk if necessary;

listen without interrupting but to understand; show respect instead of engaging in back and forth insults; be emphatic instead of judgmental and apologize when the situation so demands; give each other space; discuss issues to seek non-violent resolutions and even use humor in this process; recall the positives of the relationship as a way of recognizing what is at stake; seek the help of someone with mediating skills such as elder or a priest…
We know that the alternatives to abuse are easier said than done, but conscious effort is needed to deal with relationship issues without resorting to violence, so that not only do the relationships grow, but children in such relationships are taught by example to non-violently handle conflicts instead of growing up to become abusers. This approach is

generally included in workshops and outreaches by abuse prevention entities such as The Caribbean Voice. However, there is only so much that non-governmental entities can do and thus the need for lay counsellors/gatekeepers who would indeed be equipped to help partners deal with relationship issues in every community. And as TCV has continuously pointed out, gatekeepers training can piggyback on all sorts of other training, so that it does not become a massive or expensive undertaking.

As well those involved in abuse activism on the ground must be armed with the knowledge to help partners address relationships issues instead of seeking to justify abuse and engage in victim blaming. Otherwise the harm can easily be multiplied.

Sincerely,
The Caribbean Voice