‘THE TIES THAT BIND’

WE ALL come from different worlds; have different views; and are schooled by the wise, the foolish and monsters in between. Then we follow the chemistry we call ‘love’ -a coin of uplifting exhilaration that could endure a lifetime. Then there is the other side of the same coin, of toxic imbalances, conjured by conflicting moods and creeds; a human condition that transcends heterosexual, homosexual and whatever else exists in our myriad sexual persuasions and identities.

Very few people grow into a single relationship that lasts a lifetime, most likely after we mature, mid-twenties to early thirties, learning certain rules of compromise and principles we settle into a relationship with someone with the minimum number of issues, where we must decide to work towards a mutual understanding that identifies the intrusive elements that create fragmentation coming from within us, and externally, which in some cases share blood with us.

There are cultural, religious and life creed elements in our society which we must be cognizant of. That we share space between matriarchal and patriarchal cultural philosophies, in a matriarchal social consciousness, the female coincides with the saying ‘Mother dead, family done’. I come from the matriarchal lineage, where the female represents certain subliminal, almost sacred values and no social trade includes the women in our pantheon. However, all full moon howling transformations of the hunt are the domain of the male. It is not fair, nor sensible in this virus volatile age we live in, but that’s the ancient way.

The paradox of the latter is that sexual violations of adultery cannot be soothed by any concept that implies that she is doing it to help out the unit financially. It is not conceivable to the acceptance of any virile male ego of the culture and such an act is treading on dangerous grounds.

One of the elements I was forewarned of growing into early manhood is the force of the ego and the question of ‘trust’. Like most people learning the lessons and passing the test are two different, experiences, but one idea resonated. I witnessed its unfolding in my neighbourhood. When two married people step out from their covenants, even with justified reasons, to become secret lovers, and eventually they come together, relinquishing the former ‘ties that bind’ then to realise that in the process all residues of ‘trust’ had diminished without conscious realisation, what is born in deceit continues to have deception and suspicion as its companion.

Let me share an experience, I had a girlfriend who attended a good high school. I was about two years older. She would visit where I lived in West Ruimveldt on certain days when privacy could be stolen. One afternoon, I was taking her to the Stabroek bus park, when leading to the Demico pave she turned to me and said: “Don’t say nothing.” She clapped and a young man a few years older than me who was climbing on a motorcycle paused and waited and watched as we proceeded towards him. She spoke “I was at meh sister on …Street, and meh cousin following meh home, cause yuh know how mommy does behave.”

He insisted that a few more minutes would do nothing. I conceded and we went upstairs of Demico. It was the most difficult chicken I ate, while this fellow confided to me of how much he was in love with my “cousin” and that he and his wife was not doing good. The following afternoon at the corner in ‘West’ I was beating my chest on the ego of my manhood. One senior brethren named David just smiled while I controlled the crowd, then David broke his silence with a solemn question: “Yuh could remember how many banna cousins she introduce you to?” The gaff morphed and my ego had a rude awakening of not so glamorous possibilities.

Humans have a strange cryptic connection with ‘Love’ and faithful ‘Death’. The immortal Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story, the twisted love story of witness for the prosecution among others. The most ironic was ‘Samson and Delilah’. As a child, my godmother who I grew up with took me to see this movie. I didn’t like it. This was the age of movie Gladiators, the Dirty Dozen etc. I can remember she and her friends discussing how Delilah was sorry for betraying Samson, so as Hollywood portrayed it she chose to die with him as he pulled down the Philistine palace, killing all including himself and the remorseful, heroic Delilah. As a young adult, I had reason to look up Delilah.

The fact is she seduced Samson’s secret, betrayed him and according to Judges 16: 1-20, Delilah’s god paid departed or as business was done in that day, after getting what they wanted, they just murdered her and took back their money because after the betrayal she ceased to exist in the Biblical record. The church-going folk back then just didn’t independently read the Bible. Hollywood captured what was cool and they digested it.

Economics, values and cultural diversions are leading to domestic murders and protest voices in defiance, with sensational slogan waving, but there are no serious workgroups. As a father of daughters/granddaughter, I preach the dialogue of balance and what to look for in the deceptive rainforest of life with its forbidden fruits. There is no one formula because we are dealing with the human mind and that in itself is an unchartered labyrinth, with only the norms of the ages to go by.

To ignore the intrusive values and practices of our day is dangerous. The way forward will demand serious cultural work, to create a value system to include all the elements that need adjusting and repairing. Until we begin that process, it’s just riding the bandwagon.