MANY single mothers and fathers do a very good job at bringing up their children: whether they are boys or girls, these parents do what they can because they want the best for their children. On occasions however, when a separation is far from amicable, children are prevented from seeing their estranged parents.

Some adults believe it is better for parents to part and go their separate ways, than stay together for the sake of the children, only to argue, fight and go through ‘grown-up issues’ and ‘meltdowns’ in front of them. Of course, these are not ingredients for a healthy family life, so parting seems the more sensible option. When a break-up happens, it is somewhat traumatic for the parents, but what they sometimes fail to realise is that it can be as equally, if not more traumatic, for the children involved.
Children learn to trust and bond during their formative years and they form special relationships with their parents. These relationships are deep, because children are a part of both parents, not just one. That’s why they need both parents in their lives: having both parents gives them balance and stability and helps them to stay focused and feel confident about themselves.
It is a well-known and proven fact that, whatever type of mother or father a child has, whether they are a drunken alcoholic, a drug addict, a ‘total loser’, or even if it is someone who has deserted them, the child will always want to know them. Even if it is just to see them, touch them, talk with them and compare themselves to them in gesture, features or ways. All children need to know who their parents are. Even if after they have met them, they then decide never to see them again, at least they would always have the satisfaction of knowing from whom they came. It is natural for a child to want to know his/her parents and it is natural for children to want to live with or spend time with both parents if possible.
No parent should deny a child from seeing and being with his/her estranged mother or father, unless there is a risk of danger or abuse towards the child, or the estranged parent is totally unfit to be around the child for mental or other dysfunctional reasons. When things go wrong between adults, it really is not the fault of the children and they should not be made to suffer because of their parents’ shortcomings. Instead, decisions pertaining to children should be made between separated parents in order to cause as little disruption and anguish to their children’s lives as possible.
Most parents claim to love their children, yet in some cases they ‘use them’ directly or indirectly to get back at their former partner or to hurt him/her in some way and as usual, when adults play their games, it is the children who suffer. Even though it may not seem apparent, children suffer a lot of pain through their parents’ actions: They are bound to a sense of loyalty towards their parents (and adult carers) even when the adult is doing something that is not sensible or totally wrong.
Children really do not need to be dragged through the mire of a failed adult relationship; they just need space, love and time to grow to their fullest potential with no baggage attached. As adults and parents, we at least owe them that.
If you are concerned about the welfare of a child you can ring the CPA hotline 227 0979 or email chilcaregy@gmail.co
A Message from the Childcare and Protection Agency, Ministry of Social Protection