By Neil Primus
HAVE you ever found yourself in a situation where, at the worst possible moment, you had a call of nature?Worse yet, have you ever been halfway through that ‘call’ when something goes horribly wrong; something dangerous, scary, and sudden overtakes you? How would you react?
Here is the story of a man who faced both situations and lived to tell the tale.
Winston was in a very happy mood. His mood had been heavily motivated by the liquor being distributed at the wedding reception.
Out there in the country, weddings were an occasion for everyone to have a grand time. Winston had no intention of missing out.
He’d started drinking shortly after his arrival, and had not slowed down ever since. Even though he did not know the couple personally, he operated as though he was a special guest. He ate and drank far beyond his heart’s content. Winston ate ‘seven-curry’ twice. He then demanded ‘cook-up’, ‘chow-mein’ and ‘fried-rice’.
Professional wedding crasher that he was, he was so bold that he decided to give a speech.
But just as he rose to address the delighted gathering, the 14 curries, ‘chow-mein’, ‘fried-rice’ and ‘cook-up’ began to act up. I mean, REALLY ACT UP!
IN REAL TROUBLE
Winston abandoned all thought of a grand speech and made an undignified rush to the toilet. That was when he began to realise that he was in trouble.
There were two toilets, one for females and the other for males. Each toilet had a waiting line of between ten to 15 people.
Feeling himself slowly losing control of his bowels, he made a mad dash for the nearest bush.
The countryside where the ceremony was being kept was remote, with little in the form of lights. Houses were scattered far from each other, with families owning acres of land. It was a moonless night, and the bushes were very, very dark. It was in this environment that Winston got down to business.
Things were looking good for him. The breeze was a stiff one, moving the odour swiftly away from him, much to his satisfaction. There were no strange sounds or noises to interfere with his plans.
That was when he saw a woman approaching. The first and most startling thing about this beautiful maiden was that she was wearing a white wedding dress, which seemed to shimmer in the contrasting gloom.
He stoops lower, hoping that she would move on. But the woman changed course, and headed directly for his place of hiding.
Winston looked around to see if there was a better place to complete his task; there was none. With a sigh, he forced himself to abort the delicate operation.
Then, the woman’s voice commanded his attention. “I WANT YOU!”
When he focused on her the second time, his hair stood on end; his body went cold. He was looking straight into the face of a skeleton. What was worse was that the specter was making straight for him, with bony hands extended in an embrace that his instinct told him he had to avoid at any cost.
Well instinct or not, Winston had seen and heard enough. With a growl and whimper, he pulled up his apparel and ‘giddi-upped’ from there, a strange glow in his wake.
Winston didn’t look back. Had he done so, he would have seen the a telltale trail he left, from the wedding house to his home.