– Can somebody help me please?

By Godfrey Wray
This is not a plea. This is pure, unadulterated begging.I stood outside the GT&T building on Brickdam, screaming silently, my head a mélange of mixed emotions. Should I pelt a brick? (I have a good aim). Should I start cursing? (I have a wide range of expletives). Or should I do what Matt Munroe does…Walk Away.
A stamped receipt in my pocket expressly states that on September 21, 2015, I paid for a landline and a number was allotted to me (231-4517). With surprising alacrity the sparkling white instrument was installed and I was assured by the personable technician that I would be “up and running” in a couple of days.
Now days have turned to weeks and weeks to months and all I have is a half-service where I can receive calls but cannot initiate communication. Yet I’m made to pay for a full monthly service.
I said an extra prayer on Friday morning, but obviously no one was awake to take note of my entreaty. Instead I was inundated with a veritable potpourri of sounds, albeit a mixed bag of contradictions.
“Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check your number and dial again or call the operator for assistance.” Because of past experience I decided not to embrace that suggestion.
Another try to the number got me an insistent pulsing sound. Third try…an angry buzz. And the grand finale…dead silence. Ominous.
Many people believe that 13 is a “bad luck” number. A quick flashback told me that indeed that was the amount of times I had made contact with operators and counter clerks. I would walk into the building to stand in line or sit on one of my favourite chairs. Invariably, one of the young women would scythe through the throng to come to my assistance: “Sir, don’t tell me that phone isn’t fixed yet? ” I would put on my sardonic hat and say: “Nah, but I might get it in time to make a few calls at Christmas-time.”
Hurried consultations would take place, notes scribbled and supervisors alerted to the atrocity once again. I cannot fault their efforts and indeed I must congratulate most of the operators for their telephone etiquette.
But it seems that I have one of those unfixable problems and GT&T is embarrassed to admit its inability to deal with such a gargantuan boo-boo. The plaintive stories of electronic malfeasance are distressing.
Why was I given a land mine when I only paid for a simple landline?
It is apposite to note that there has been a steady decline in the use of fixed telephones. Wikipedia says that in 2003 the CIA reported approximately 1.263 billion main telephone lines worldwide. China had more than any other country at 350 million and the United States second with 268 million. In 2013 statistics show that the total number of fixed telephone subscribers in the world was about 1.16 billion.
The decrease is due to upgrades in digital technology and the conveniences that come with switching to wireless (cellular) or internet-based alternatives.
Those statistics do nothing to quell my exasperation and disgust. And whenever I remember (quite often) that the powerful electronic juggernaut is still not able to fix its own little problem, I cannot help myself from constantly expressing a plethora of emotions ranging from silent entreaty to outright disgust.
At one time I was convinced that some evil force was working against me but a new found friend in the ponderously moving line quickly threw cold water on such a ridiculous thought. Ringston was his name and knowing about recalcitrant telephones was his game. He stuck a piece of paper with a number and two words (Consumer Association) written on it. I thanked him but I knew I wasn’t going to take his advice…that is another story.
A good friend who works at GT&T last weekend said I just had a minor problem and he (or his wife) would have it fixed in “no time.” This afternoon I will wend my way to Bam Bam Alley to collect on the wager. My new bet is that I will continue to imbibe freely because his GT&T is not as reliable as he thinks.