I divorced a little over two years ago. I never got over my divorce and still love my ex-husband deeply. We have a daughter, 9.I started dating a new guy I wasn’t that interested in. I was mostly lonely and sad, and he filled a void in my life. We’ve been together for two years, and I am four months pregnant with his baby. He isn’t excited about the pregnancy. He told his parents and they aren’t happy either.
He seemed to like my daughter and my daughter liked him until she found out I was pregnant. Now she is hurt and upset, and she wants me to be with her dad. I feel guilty for getting pregnant, even though it wasn’t planned.
My ex-husband and I married twice. The first time in our 20s. I got pregnant with our daughter so we got married. We divorced six years later after I had an affair. A year later we reconciled, but he began drinking so I left him. He went off to rehab and never spoke to me again.
I think us getting back together is what my daughter wants because she saw us do it before. I tell her I will always love her daddy, but I don’t see us getting back together.
Yet I realise I still love him so much. I don’t know if he feels the same way, but I find myself thinking how good he treated me during our marriage, and how wonderful he was to me when I was pregnant. I think being with him would make my family whole again.
Constance

Constance, in the first season of True Detective, one of the police officers mentions the detective’s curse. The curse is that the solution is right under the detective’s nose but he can’t see it.
In that show the police are chasing a serial killer, and serial killers have a signature act. You, too, have a signature act. Your signature act is to get pregnant, then try to turn the relationship into marriage.
The first time you did that you cheated on your husband, so you can’t convince us the marriage was right. Cheating proves it was wrong.
We won’t go into what the victim of adultery suffers, but that’s one reason your ex can’t stand being around you. It’s also why cheaters don’t understand they aren’t entitled to another chance. It’s not enough to say to the victim, “I’m sorry and will never do it again.”
When you remarried, your ex’s response was to fall off the wagon. What you did pains him so much he can’t lay eyes on you. You hurt him three times. Once by getting pregnant to get married; once by cheating and once by getting him to remarry you.
You followed the same pattern with the man you are dating, except he refuses to marry you. So what are you thinking now? I’ll return to my first husband and use him again.
Our answer is hard because you have to stop doing what you are doing. Your signature act is not leading to success.
You felt love for your ex after you realised your boyfriend would not marry you. That’s not love. That’s opportunism. Your current boyfriend was never going to be husband material, but he is financially responsible for your baby.
Your ex is not responsible for your current predicament, and he isn’t the solution either. The real answer is-be responsible for yourself, for the child you carry and for the child you have. Make more of yourself as a person. Respect yourself and be respectable, so others can respect you.
But, of course, you already know what we are saying. It’s the detective’s curse. The solution is right under your nose, yet you are looking for clues in another place.
Wayne & Tamara