MY first serious girlfriend was a girl I knew from the time I was 12 and she was 11. We had a crush on each other, but, because of distance, rarely saw each other. When I was 20, we started dating seriously. It was long-distance, but we were together almost every weekend. I think we both honestly thought we would be together forever; it was the happiest time of my life. Just six months later, she left the country for seven months for work. She had a really good job; I wasn’t expecting her to quit, but she promised to resign when she returned.
We both knew not seeing each other would be hard. I was willing to wait it out, but she thought it would be less strain if we took a break while she was away. The temporary break was worse for me than not seeing her; she was all I could think about.
When her trip was up, she decided to keep the job and continue travelling. At this point, I told her I couldn’t wait. I think she understood, but it was hard, because we both realised we were losing each other. A year went by before we saw each other again, and this time only for lunch.
Two years after we broke up, I met a great girl. She is dependable, sweet, caring and fun to be around. I definitely could see a future with her. We were engaged after a year-and-a-half, and have been planning our wedding for six months.
In the meantime, my ‘ex’ got engaged and married. It didn’t last, and they separated after four months. In the last two years, my ‘ex’ and I have briefly texted twice. She sent me a friend request on Facebook, which I did not accept out of respect for my girlfriend.
The last two months have been difficult because of the stress of planning a wedding. I also started thinking more about my ‘ex’. I cannot go more than a few hours without thinking about her.
I feel lucky to have my fiancée, but still feel I’m lacking something. I will say I was definitely more attracted to my ‘ex’ than I am to my fiancée. It’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m being honest.
But my fiancée is a dependable, supportive and loving partner, and I know we can have a great life together. Is it normal to think about your ‘ex’ when you are about to get married?
Gene

Gene,
Your heart says go to your ‘ex’, while your head says stay with your fiancée. Usually, we would advise following your gut, because your gut will seldom play you false. But there’s another way to look at it.
You and your ‘ex’ grew up together, and shared many firsts. You went through puberty together; you felt the first touch of love through her.
Your mom and dad and your brothers and sisters are so much a part of your life you will never forget them. Your ‘ex’ is like that. But she went away with a promise to come back and didn’t: She became part of a bigger world. She alone made that decision.
But you held an ember, and kept it alive. That you see the spark fondly, and she sees it coolly means something.
To free yourself, you need an ‘aha’ moment: That was then, this is now. Our relationship ran its course; we didn’t have enough to last a lifetime. Because you haven’t looked at her correctly and moved on from her, all dating since has been tainted.
Most letters we receive have a clear answer. Yours? Not so much. But we suspect you need to get past your first love, and be a whole person again, before you can see the one for you.

Wayne & Tamara