I’M close to desperation and need objective advice urgently. I live on a farm that is also a community. Some might go so far as to say it’s a commune. I have been in a relationship for almost three years with the main founder of the place, and consider him my life partner.This whole time, we’ve had an open relationship. When he or I leave the farm, we’ve been with other people. This worked out great. There’s been no jealousy, because whenever we’ve been together again, we’ve only been with each other.
Now he wants and demands that we be open with other people while we are both here. This is tricky, because we live with these other people, and do everything together. Some people, usually young, come here to learn only for a short time. Then they leave, and usually never come back.
He is a very touchy, loving person, and connects well with people. He tells me how badly he wants to connect with girls who come here in a deep-heart connection because he has so much love to give. The ones he likes seem to be quite a bit younger than he. My age is in the middle of them.
He understands it’s way too hard for me to see him with another person right in front of my eyes, in my own home. He suggests a compromise: He’ll go out of our farm for a weekend trip with whoever he wants, then both of them will come back and continue like nothing happened.
I would feel so bad for those girls, because there is a huge risk they will fall in love with him. I can already feel that from lots of girls, and he hasn’t gone anywhere with them. He says he knows they fall for him, but he doesn’t care, because he will never leave me; and the girls’ feelings are not his responsibility.
Can this work? Can young girls keep their emotions aside, and take the weekend as fun and just sex?
He is not leaving me many choices. Either I accept the way he is, or we break up. Bending to his demands feels like betraying myself, and degrading our relationship. But I can’t seem to let go of the dreams we had together.
Pepper

Pepper,
Your boyfriend is a small-budget David Koresh; a two-bit Jim Jones; a petty Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. Each of those men established a compound, gathered followers and attracted the weak-minded. All three manipulated young, naïve women for their own sexual pleasure.

Your man may say he “has so much love to give,” but he treats young women as receptacles, like a Kleenex. Imagine if three years ago he had started this way, you wouldn’t be with him today.
He doesn’t have love to share; he is a loving person only in the sense of having total self-love. Sex means everything to him, but who he has sex with means nothing. After a sexual encounter, he wants to pretend it never happened.
For women, sex is equated with love. How would we describe a man who deliberately arouses a girl’s feelings, then says they are not his responsibility? Can we say he manipulates them? Can we say he exploits them? Can we say he lacks conscience? If so, we are describing an antisocial personality or a sociopath.
If he actually told these women in advance, “I just want to have sex with you, and afterwards, I will pretend it never happened,” few girls would be willing to have sex with him. Instead, he is telling them he cares to induce them to have sex.
You know how emotionally damaging that can be for a young woman. You know if he can do it to them, he can do it to you. You know your ranking among women has diminished. Leave now, while you still have some self-esteem intact.
Wayne & Tamara