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The drab, dusty, black, hard cover book, missing its dust cover, had been ignored for months, and picked up only after a chance encounter with an old friend who, during conversation, let slip with the term ‘love language’. In essence, the book simply tries to make the point that people respond to and show love in different ways. According to Chapman, everyone has a “love tank” that is filled when they receive expressions of love in their own language.
On a personal note, as a teenager, I had always looked out for physical and verbal expressions of love from my mother. This was exacerbated by observing some of my friends’ mothers who always seemed “huggy/ huggy” and “kissy/kissy” to their children, even adding a dash of “I love yous” in their expressions.
It took many years for me to learn that there are many ways to express love. My mother would give me the shoes off her own feet if I didn’t have any, and she is always thinking of things to buy for family members and non-family members. If you go out window-shopping and just casually admire something, you might see it magically appearing in your home when you’ve forgotten about it. I think it’s safe to assume that her love language is receiving gifts. The information is at once elating and puzzling.
Was her love tank filled? Should I and my siblings have saved our money and bought more things for her (outside of birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day gifts) while growing up?
It is a good idea to discover your partner’s love language. Your emotional love language and that of your spouse may be as different as Mandarin and English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse only understands Mandarin, you’ll never understand how to love each other. What if you tell yourself you’re a good partner because you shower your partner with gifts and physical caresses, when all your partner wants is a long walk on the beach and a good conversation? Or what if that partner only wants you to cook him/her dinner and do the laundry for a change?
Seldom do partners have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and become confused when our spouse doesn’t understand what we’re communicating. Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you’ll have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.
Remember that while this is largely aimed at partners, the love language theory can be used to improve our relationships with parents, siblings, children and friends.
LOVE LANGUAGES
Word of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words “I love you” are important; hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered, and are not easily forgotten.
Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
Kind words: If we’re to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The statement “I love you”, when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love.
Humble words: Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage, we’re equal partners. If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we make our needs known in the form of a request, we’re giving guidance, not ultimatums.
If this is your partner’s love language: Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month.
Quality Time
For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical; but really being there — with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby — makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s desires. We must be willing to give advice, but only when it’s requested; and never in a condescending manner.
Here are some practical listening tips: Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. Don’t do something else at the same time. Listen for feelings, and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” Observe body language. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me”.
Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.
If this is your partner’s love language: Ask your partner for a list of five activities that he/she enjoys doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous; and so would the absence of everyday gestures.
All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse; but for some, receiving gifts — visible symbols of love — speaks the loudest. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” A gift is a symbol of that thought. Gifts come in all sizes, colours and shapes. Some are expensive and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost will matter little.
If this is your partner’s love language: Keep a “gift idea” notebook. Every time you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” write it down. Select gifts you feel comfortable purchasing, making or finding, and don’t wait for a special occasion. Becoming a proficient gift giver is an easy language to learn.
Acts of Service
The words he or she most wants to hear are “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
People who speak this love language seek to please their partners by serving them; to express their love for them by doing things for them. Actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing the dishes, sorting the bills, walking the dog, or dealing with landlords are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.
I’m not saying become a doormat to your partner and do these things out of guilt or resentment. No person should ever be a doormat. Do these things as a lover.
If this is your partner’s love language: What one act of service has your spouse nagged you about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this particular task as a really important thing to him or her.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
Holding hands, kissing, hugging and sex – all of these are lifelines for the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. With it, they feel secure in their partner’s love. “Sitting close to each other as you watch TV requires no additional time, but communicates your love loudly. Touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.
If this is your partner’s love language: While eating together, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your partner.
