USUALLY, people ask me for advice, but this time around, I don’t know what to do. I’m 21 and living a continent away from my parents, who are getting divorced. It started last year, when they decided to start marriage counselling. I was fine with this. My parents had problems for as long as I could remember, and I thought they were finally taking the first step toward fixing things.
 
Sometime in between their decision to see a marriage counsellor and actually going to the counsellor, my father started cheating.
 
Learning of this was hard. My father instilled a strong sense of justice in me, and he always held to a black-and-white type of law, not the gray-scale. It shook me to my core, especially since I had always been a bit of a daddy’s girl. It hurt even more to realise he’d been lying to me over Skype.
 
I was angry, and made sure he felt it. After my initial blowup at him, I’ve been civil. But every time I talk with him or think of him, I get depressed or feel nauseous, as though the mere thought of his presence makes me ill.
 
Now he’s said he has a conference in a place near where I’m living, a place I’ve always wanted to see. I said yes, originally, and we agreed to go for two weeks. But now plans need to be made, dates set, hotels booked, and I find myself dreading it.
 
Part of me knows this will be a good way to try and move past this. A very strong part of me says, “No, don’t go.” I feel it will be horrible to go, to have to see that sickening, lying, traitorous, hypocritical face every day, all day.
 
I don’t know if I can do it, but I know he will see that as the ultimate rejection, which it is, and it may end with us never mending a broken relationship.
 
Devon
You’re good at giving advice to others, but now, you’re stumped. We understand; it’s hard to scratch the middle of our own back.
 
One thing we found remarkable when we started the column was how often divorced people praise marriage counselling. That’s because marriage counselling can force people to acknowledge problems, and it often forces them to see divorce as a genuine solution.
 
Think about what it means to say your parents had problems for as long as you can remember. You’ve only ever seen them in a problem marriage. There should be little surprise that divorce is their answer.
 
Often, when problems go on and on, one spouse is so disconnected from the other, it seems logical to start a new relationship. What may your father feel? This marriage ended 10 years ago. That is his inner experience, though he never said that to anyone.
 
What sin has he committed against you? He didn’t end his marriage before he moved on. Because he didn’t do that, he lied, schemed and betrayed in order to maintain appearances. That’s his crime.
 
The consequence of that is your disdain. Integrity and trust are earned over a lifetime, but lost in an instant. In an instant, he lost your trust. That’s why we tell people who are contemplating cheating, this bell can’t be un-rung. When you decide to cheat, you set yourself up for all kinds of unintended consequences.
 
Your feelings toward him are the feelings of a woman with a cheating man; yet, he is your dad, and he didn’t break the marital vow with you. But who has the right to tell you when you have bashed him enough?
 
Going on a trip with him may feel like approving of his actions, and a betrayal of your mother. If you feel you can’t go, tell him simply, “My feelings are so raw over your affair, I don’t believe I can go on this trip with you.”