I FIND your perspective to be unique, especially compared to the popular relationship “experts” and bestselling books that claim any relationship can be fixed. I find your perspective more than a little scary, because, if it is true, I do not see how to make my marriage work.

My husband and I do not always get along, especially of late, but, overall, we are good to each other, and I’ve never seen the fact that we argue as the source of the problem. Rather, it seems to me the symptom.
There is no threat of infidelity, abuse or alcoholism, issues people may cite when describing relationship problems, which makes it difficult to acknowledge the severity of our problem.
We do not understand each other the way I yearn to. This is not to say there is no connection: We have similar interests; lovemaking can be satisfying; and we go out of our way to be nice.
For example, my husband doesn’t drink coffee, but gets up before me each day and makes me French-press coffee, and brings it to me in bed. After a long day, my favourite thing to do is cuddle in bed with him and watch a movie. I often make lunch for him, and include notes or little treats I know will brighten his day. We talk or email a few times during the day, and end almost all conversations with, “I love you.”
Despite this, almost from the day we got engaged, I’ve had nagging doubts about whether we are right for each other. This doubt is, in my honest opinion, the reason for every issue in our marriage.
He is intellectual and structured, and I am more spiritual and less conventional. I’ve talked to friends and close family members, and they see us as a perfect complement to each other. I got him to loosen up, and he gave me stability. But my fear and confusion did not subside. It intensified. I felt like I was going crazy.
I’ve talked to him about it, and, to his credit, he tried to meet me where I was. He is so literal and kind. If the problem had been he left the toothpaste cap off, or came home late, he would have easily understood the problem and fixed it. But I say things like, “I want you to act from your heart not your head,” and he says he has absolutely no idea what I am talking about.
He eventually decided we would postpone the wedding. It was pretty embarrassing, because the dates had already gone out. We continued living in the house we bought, and I thought: If we slowed down, I would feel better.
However, I ended up feeling I was under a microscope, and people (our parents mostly, not he were waiting for me to make a decision.
After a year of living in limbo, I decided I needed to act. I read a bunch of relationship books, and convinced myself our problems were not that bad, and we could be really happy together, as long as I decided to make it that way.
In some ways, things improved, but the sinking feeling continues. We do not have children yet. I wish I could make this feeling go away, because I would miss him terribly if we divorce, and it would be embarrassing beyond imagination to end this marriage after less than a year.
Do you think there is any way I could overcome this doubt?
Tish

Tish,
Your letter says it all; and it stands for so many others who have told us the same thing.
What was wrong from the beginning is still wrong now. Those negative feelings are now a certainty; that there is no specific wrong doesn’t make it right.
You’re afraid of our answer. Why? You know we will tell you what you already know, and Yes! You are right!