AS with most relationships with alcoholics, ours with my husband’s father and stepmother is complicated. My husband’s parents divorced when he was young, and he was raised by his mother and stepfather. They were wonderful parents to him, and amazing grandparents to our two young children. His father and stepmother, however, are functioning alcoholics. I’ve never seen a day when they haven’t had a significant amount to drink. Neither thinks they have a drinking problem. Because of a lifetime of drinking and drug abuse, they are emotionally unstable. His father has a quick temper, and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way.
At our wedding, my husband was having his first dance with his mother. His stepmother, who he didn’t know until his 20s, cut in seconds later. His mother left the reception hall in tears. His father did the same thing with my dad, but my father laughed it off because he knew my husband’s dad was drunk.
It’s always awkward when we get those two couples together. This past Christmas, my husband’s mother and stepfather were scheduled to visit. His father and stepmother had spent the year before with us. A few days before Christmas, his father emailed saying he was coming to visit on Christmas Day, and wanted to know our plans.
We were honestly dumbfounded he suggested visiting on Christmas. I’ve only seen these two couples together two or three times, and they were horrible experiences, due to my husband’s father and stepmother drinking and acting incredibly rude.
Last weekend they visited, and after drinking a good amount, told my husband how wrong it was to keep them from visiting over Christmas, and how my husband’s mother was trying to keep him from seeing his grandchildren.
But it wasn’t her decision; it was ours, and only ours. My husband refused to apologise, and they left, angry. We haven’t spoken to them since.
Currently, my father-in-law thinks the issue is Christmas. My husband and I feel the real issue is their drinking. We know as soon as this issue gets resolved, there will be something else they will be angry about.
We’ve never confronted them about their drinking; the closest we’ve come was requesting it not be done in front of our children. My father-in-law took this to mean he can disguise his rum in a sports bottle.
I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a letter to them, but I just don’t know what to say.
Samantha

Samantha,
Your husband’s wonderful parents, his mother and stepfather, will always be entitled to preferential treatment over his alcoholic father and alcoholic stepmother. You don’t reward good behaviour and bad behaviour equally.
Alcoholics, by definition, don’t live in reality; you don’t meet them halfway because that threatens your own grasp on reality. Alcoholics must come to reality; and if they don’t, they need to suffer consequences.
Those who believe alcoholism is a disease, need to remember what kind of disease it is. It is an infectious disease that puts other members of society at grave risk. The normal treatment for infectious diseases is to isolate those with the disease in order to minimize the danger for those without the disease.
Your husband’s biological father is so far from wanting to change that he married another alcoholic. They ruined your wedding; they created the problem at Christmas. Why should you smooth things over?
When your husband’s father chose alcohol, he chose the end results of choosing alcohol. Give them to him. You chose to be parents. Protect your children. There is no reason two small children should be in the same room with two people who are legally intoxicated.
Remember, this is not on you. It is on them. They are grownups and they have decided to walk around life drunk. What should you write them to smooth things over? Nothing. It is up to them to placate you.

Wayne & Tamara