Legacy
MY MOTHER is the daughter of an alcoholic. I didn’t know my grandpa, who passed away when I was four, was an alcoholic until I was 15. I think the only reason she told me was because I got an underage, and it scared her. From what I’ve learned in the three years since, my grandpa was a mean drunk. He hit mom and her siblings, as well as my grandma. He got sober the last few years of his life, but only because grandma threatened to leave. He ended up dying of heart failure.
The only memory I have of him is as a mean old man, who was so sick we were not allowed to talk to him. I get so angry at my grandpa for what he did to my family. Anytime I bring it up, though, mom gets mad at me for hating him. She always makes excuses for him. My mom says it’s because he was in World War II.
She even blamed my grandma, who is the sweetest woman ever. I don’t understand why she won’t admit he hurt her. Is it wrong for me to hate him, even though I never knew him?
Whitney

Whitney,
Our inborn desire to bond to our parents is so strong, many people cannot overcome it, no matter how cruel a parent might be. So they block out the despicable, and remember only the few good times. This also causes them to invent excuses for their parent’s bad behaviour.
What your mom went through as a child can’t be undone by you.
You asked only one question: Is it wrong to hate my grandfather? The answer is no. You can feel as you feel. But you don’t need to tell your mom that you hate your grandfather. You know what you feel about him, and that is perfectly all right. You can hate him for her.
Eventually, though, you will want to turn hatred into something good. You can decide not to allow alcoholism to hurt your life, your husband’s life, or your children’s lives. You can break the cycle, and that is the best anyone can do.
Wayne & Tamara

Season’s Greetings
MY SON, who is in the military, recently divorced. His wife was always respectful to me and my husband. I personally do not hold any animosity towards her; it is just not in me.
I would like to send her and her family Christmas cards because they were part of the family for 10 years. My son is totally against it; he wants nothing to do with his ex-wife because she hurt him so bad.
I honestly do not have any details on what happened; just that I received a call one day from my son telling me he and his wife were parting. She never called or tried to explain what happened. I never called her either, because I felt it was not my business.
I love my son and support him in all his decisions, but not all mothers-in-law are cruel, wicked or mean. I truly loved my daughter-in-law, and I am very sad for both of them.
Catarina

Catarina,
Respect your son’s wishes. If what happened is so bad your son won’t talk about it, he must find it humiliating. Perhaps she cheated on him. At any rate, you don’t have enough information to make any other choice.
If you send cards without knowing the circumstances, it may appear you side with your daughter-in-law. Why risk your relationship with your son over what he is at this time unable to share? Show you trust his judgment, and it will make him feel he can talk to you.
Your desire to send a card doesn’t outweigh your bond to him. A year from now, this situation may be clear, and you can decide whether to send a card next year.
Wayne & Tamara