MY MOTHER-in-law is an alcoholic. She drove me, my husband and our
baby of five weeks in the car while drunk, unbeknownst to us. That
baby is now eight, and we’re still dealing with her drinking issues. We live five hours away, so we only see her two or three times a year.
Last Christmas we went to visit her, as we do every year. My husband’s
sister and her children were staying with my mother-in-law. One of the
children was vomiting everywhere, so we decided to limit our time
there.

On our last night, we announced we were leaving first thing in the
morning so we would be saying our goodbyes. My mother-in-law replied:
“Well, you have to come here tomorrow morning because I didn’t give
you your presents yet.”

When my husband asked if she could get them now, she blurted out she
couldn’t get them because she hadn’t wrapped them, and she hadn’t
wrapped them because she was still suffering from a week-long stomach
flu and had lost six pounds.

I was shocked, and very, very angry. She put her grandchildren in a
germ-infested house, and our three kids ultimately spent their
Christmas vacation sick with stomach flu. It was the worst illness my
children have had, and I felt bad I could not protect them.

We left abruptly and did not return. That started a flurry of emails
berating my husband as thoughtless and rude. My mother-in-law told my
sister-in-law she tried to stop drinking, and that was why she was so
sick. That was welcome news to my sister-in-law.

But in an email to us, my mother-in-law denied being sick, denied
saying she was sick, and played the innocent victim abandoned at
Christmas.

Upon prodding by my husband’s sister, she admitted she was sick and
was not trying to quit drinking. She said she was afraid we would
cancel our visit if she had been honest. But a day later, she sent us
an email denying what she admitted to her daughter.

Many months have gone by with very little contact. Then this past
weekend, my mother-in-law texted my husband and informed him she will
be visiting us in three weeks. She did not ask; she invited herself.

I am sick of this; I do not want this woman around my children. After
the Christmas incident, my husband and I felt the same way about his
mother and her behaviour, but now it seems time has let him forget all
that happened.

My sister-in-law stressed to my husband how serious the drinking has
become, saying she drives drunk to and from work, an hour each way. My
mother-in-law also threatened my sister-in-law, to the point where she had to
call a friend for help. Is it wrong to disallow her to see our children until she gets help?

Anita
The essence of alcoholism is the flight from reality, and it’s a long way back to reality from where your mother-in-law is.

The core desire of the alcoholic is escape, avoidance and oblivion. But we live in a real world with real people, and someone who is trying to escape reality inevitably harms others, especially when those others are children.

Your husband and his sister are trapped by the parental bond. That’s what she uses against them. But give in to her, and you reinforce her drinking.

If she is driving drunk to and from work, she is at a level of intoxication every minute she is alive. Letting her into your home aids her denial. The more an alcoholic has the façade of normality, the more they can deny their alcoholism.

Perhaps the term alcoholic should be reserved for those who have completed lengthy treatment, and show personality changes associated with being alcohol-free. By that standard, we would not call your mother-in-law an alcoholic; we would call her a drunkard. Alcoholic is
a term she must earn.