A tale so horrifying, it eclipses Sukhree Boodram’s
HOW DOES anyone plumb the depths of a woman’s heart?  How does anyone understand the proclivity of a woman to make serious mistakes in choosing a life partner, or to gauge the emotional neediness, quite apart from the practical socio-economic considerations, that makes her remain in an abusive relationship – even when that relationship threatens her sanity, and even her very life?
She was weeping throughout the screening of Sukree Boodram’s interview with the television producer, surreptitiously wiping her eyes in the darkened Savannah Suite of the Pegasus Hotel as the woman related her ordeal during her long years in an abusive marriage.
The event was held simultaneous to the launch of the book of poetry of my good friend and perennial well-wisher, Justice Donald Trotman, and I felt great guilt for abandoning my buddy during such a significant occasion. But I was intrigued by the overwhelming courage of a woman who could expose her story of abuse to the world, so I went to Castellani House and spent a few minutes with Donald (who always understands me) before leaving for the Pegasus and one of the most momentous occasions of my life.
The synopsis of the following story I will relate in the victim’s own words is even more horrifying than Boodram’s, although there are many parallels.  However, the narrator has requested protection of her identity, and because newspapers constrain space, the narrative is severely constricted.
“To explain the circumstances of my marriage is not an area that I have enough courage to speak about at this moment, and like Sukhree Boodram, I am not comfortable about speaking on the issue of the traumas and the real agony of sexual exploitation within marriage.  Suffice it to say that the aberrant acts of this abhorrence leave ineradicable, lifelong scars, so much so that some women are left with a perennial horror of the physical act of sex, even if they can subsequently trust someone enough to fall in love if they are fortunate enough to escape their abuser.
“Except on two things, my emotional and psychological agony throughout my parody of a marriage eerily parallels Boodhram’s, and as I listened to her describe her experiences — and her reactions to those experiences during the screening of her interview in the darkened Savannah Suite of the Pegasus my — tears flowed throughout, because my personal wounds were reopened and left raw and bleeding once more.
“The two exceptions in my instance were that while her husband only hit her once, the physical violence meted out to me endured over the almost two decades of my marriage; and while her abuse stemmed from her husband’s addiction to, and abuse of, alcohol, my husband was addicted to no substance.  He was purely evil, bestial, and conscienceless. And yes, like Boodram, I even contemplated suicide.
“I went further, because I wanted to take my son with me, but when I looked at his innocent and angelic face, I could not bear to smother him as I’d intended to before taking my own life; so I sent him to my mother and fought for our lives, hiding and saving the extra money that I earned in overtime and meal allowances so that I could empower myself financially, until I became pregnant again, which derailed all my plans for independence.
“What was worse, and which I cannot forgive myself for until today, is that his selfish and evil actions have destroyed the self-worth of my children, and left them with psychological and emotional insecurities that make them unable to choose life partners equal to their status.  Instead, their lack of a sense of worth, and their penchant for generosity have left them both open to emotional, psychological – and consequential financial exploitation by subtly, and not so subtly abusive partners.  It is as if they have to buy their most-often way-below-social-and-moral par partners, each one successively worse than the predecessor.
“It hurts my soul to witness their self-destructive acts, because both my children are extremely intelligent, classy, good-looking, generous, multi-talented, and they both earn way above the average income, all of which they expend on their successive partners.  And the excessive efforts they expend on these unbalanced relationships to try to make them work, to the point of subjugating their own needs, their talent, their very identities, is an agony for me to watch.
“In hindsight, I blame myself for the choices that I made; choices that have ultimately scarred my children and left them vulnerable to exploitation, which is the worse repercussion from the mistake that I made of remaining in an abusive marriage.
“Today, more than a decade after my divorce, I still cringe from confrontations; I prefer to remain behind locked doors, because any sudden movement startles me, and my heart begins thudding in fear; I get sudden and relentless headaches, to the point of nausea when I am faced with unreasonably hostile situations; except for my need to work because of many responsibilities, I would lock myself in my home and never emerge to deal with people if I had a choice; and worse, I suffer from depression to such an extent that I have lost the art of joy and laughter.
“The casualties of an abusive relationship, of any kind, are innumerable. Sukhree Boodram writes about the need to break out from abusive situations; and, like myself, some victims manage to physically and legally extricate themselves – albeit with great difficulty.
However, after over a decade since my divorce, I still know the taste of fear, and I remain a perennial prisoner to my insecurities, which my pride would not let me expose to the world.
But, like Boodram, I plan to one day write a book, when I can muster the courage to do so.”
The foregoing were comments that  solicited from a woman well-known and highly-respected and acclaimed in society; and no-one would suspect that she is carrying around such heavy emotional and psychological baggage, because she functions exceptionally well in her professional capacity, and seemingly exudes great confidence in her public persona, which is ethically uncompromising, regardless the circumstances.
However, the mere fact that someone like her can be a victim of abuse and, with all her inherent capacity for intelligent analyses of situations, she cannot overcome her trauma is a gauge of the great devastation abuse can cause in someone’s life, because a bad marriage has created a wasteland of this woman’s life.
Sukhree Boodram sent me some quotes, as follows, from her book, ‘Breakout’, which may provide a guide for wise or, at best, informed and educated responses to abusive situations.
–“I should have reached out for help when I was abused. Reaching out to my family, close friends, counselors, or to law enforcement would have made me more aware of domestic violence and abuse. I should have protected me and not my abuser.”
–“A person who claimed to love me began keeping me away from my family and was unhappy mingling with them. I will be aware in the future that this may be a sign of a strained relationship. I will not close my eyes to the fact that it could lead to other issues, such as abuse.”
–“I believe that in a healthy relationship there is no need to hide or mask the truth. If I see this happening, I will try to find out why it is happening to me and address it appropriately. I learned that lying leads to more lying. The truth is easier to remember. I don’t have to keep track of it.”
–“As a parent, I have a huge responsibility toward my children. Most importantly, I have an obligation to live my life in such a way that my children can emulate me as they formulate their lives.”
–“I am human, and for this reason, I am expected to be humane. In spite of the fact that someone else may cause me extreme pain and sorrow, I ought to still treat them with respect, fairness, and dignity as much as I can without endangering my life or the lives of others.”
–“When I started talking to others about my issues and problems, I immediately began to feel some relief. I think it’s because other people are outside of my painful environment and have no motive but to help. I also was able to see my life in a different light, as if I were looking into myself from the outside. I leaned on others and drew strength, courage, and hope to go on.”
–“It is my opinion the promises made by addicts more often than not cannot be fulfilled if they are still active. I believe they mean well, but they are battling powerful forces within themselves to which they succumb time and time again. Those who are able to stop drinking and maintain sobriety earn my utmost respect.”
–“In my experience, counseling went a long way in helping me face the reality of the complex situation. I feel counselors are specially trained professionals who are there to help those willing to help themselves. My hat’s off to them.”
–“I should have not waited until my abusive relationship reached a point where I was in terrible fear for my life. I should have been more alert and assertive in seeking out some solutions to prevent the escalation.”
–“I learned that people can show willingness to do things but for the wrong reasons. I believe change is a personal choice and no one can force change upon someone else. Change is also difficult, but sometimes it is a necessity, whether we want to change or not.”
–“I no longer blame myself for other people’s misfortunes. I feel they are responsible for their own actions as I am responsible for mine. I take responsibility for my own mistakes.
I was hoping another would change for me, but I now know differently. To reiterate, change is a personal choice. I stand a better chance of finding peace and happiness by getting out of a situation that is not changing.”
–“I must do what is necessary to ensure happiness for my life, and in this process, by all means, I forgive those who have caused me pain. This forgiveness is important for me to move on, as it removes anger and bitterness and brings peace and happiness to me.”
–“I learned that standing up for myself took a lot of energy and effort. I also learned that when I bottled up feelings for a long time, there came a time when I would have to let it all out. I will not keep things bottled up any longer. I will address my issues as they arise”.
–“For me, it took real willpower to change and bend the chronic habits of my mind. Sometimes I still struggle with change. I also believe it takes greater power for an abuser or addict to change in comparison to me. My hope is that my story prompts others to make a change if change is needed, or at least start a change process.”
–“I summarize the journey I took as walking a path of goodness and love, and in the end, it seems other forces made their entries into my life as if to help and urge me along the path of peace and happiness. I am happy that I was able to share my journey with you.”

The steps I took to recovery…

1. I accepted that I deserve to be treated better.
2. I stopped blaming myself for the abuse.
3. I held on to a Higher Power, strengthening my faith.
4. I told someone I trusted. I broke my silence.
5. I started counseling and leaned on others.
6. I stopped protecting the abuser and hiding the abuse.
7. I faced my fear of the unknown, not ashamed any longer.
8. I was no longer in denial about being abused.
9. I am sharing my courage and strength with others.
10. I focus on myself physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Men are the bedrock of homes, societies, and countries
The father of a household is the crucible around which the family revolves and the anchor that holds the family together.  There is no substitute for the love and support of a caring father, not even a mother’s love.
Children hero-worship fathers, while mothers are loved, perhaps extremely so, but not with that incandescent radiance in the heart and soul as having a special bond with one’s father.
When a husband and father abdicates or subverts his responsibilities to his family, for whatever reason, he eradicates the very premise of solidity on which sound societies are built.