THANK YOU so much for your response those many months ago. When you sent it, I printed it out and covered the important parts in highlighter pen, posting it on my cubicle wall. It is still on the wall, even though it has been a long time since I looked at it. I just glanced at it today…and thought I’d say thank you.

Thank you for helping me see the truth and stick to my decision. It was a long, rocky road to travel until I came to the point of peace with leaving my ‘ex’, and I will tell you that over the last years, his actions have proven your words to be true, time and time again. He has shown how he only cares for himself.

I have since met someone truly wonderful—a kind, generous, sweet, unassuming and devoted man, who is at home with me or with our families and trusted friends, and who is always the same person wherever he is.

I trust him totally, and he earns it every day by being someone I can count on. I no longer live in fear and despair, but have found someone who truly loves me, and is compatible with me. I love him very, very much, though, at one time, I never thought I could love anyone other than my ‘ex’.

We are getting married this year. I am so grateful to you for your words of wisdom.
Nita

Nita,
When you wrote 16 months ago, you told us the pain of breaking up with your fiancé was “nearly unbearable.” But you also knew this man, a police officer, who treated you badly. You made a hard choice, but the right choice, and we are happy for you.

In a healthy human head, there is this weird factor: We will tolerate bad, bad, bad, bad, bad followed by a single good. Then we will go through another sequence of bads, waiting for the next good to show up.

This quality of accepting failure, failure, failure in order to achieve a little success is what enables a woman to perfect a recipe, or design the next generation of computers. But this part of our nature is meant to be used on the world around us; it is meant to help us survive through the work of our hands.

It is not meant to be used on the person closest to us, if they are self-centred.  Self-centred people learn to cover up; they learn what to say, and what not to say. They know how to make us feel guilty when we are about to leave, and they are about to lose control.

Egotistical people use our good nature against us. What they know is as simple as this: Telling a lie gets me out of trouble; telling the truth gets me into trouble.

A perfect example is the man in the bar. A woman asks, “Are you married?” The egotist learns she will walk away if he says yes, but stay when he tells her, “No, I’m not.”

Most of us think we are Tarzan, swinging from vine to vine. We won’t let go of the vine we are grasping until we clutch another vine.

But many situations are what psychologists call deterioration traps. The classic example is heroin addiction. In the beginning, the high from heroin is incredible, but in time, immunity builds up and it takes greater doses to get the same high. Eventually, the addict keeps taking the drug, not to get high, but to avoid the pain of withdrawal.

Love directed at the wrong person works the same way. In the beginning, there is promise and euphoria, and we fight the feeling it is not what it should be. Because you had the courage to go through the withdrawal pains, now you have your reward.
Wayne & Tamara