I RECENTLY agreed to be best-man at a friend’s wedding, but now I am having reservations, and there are only two weeks to go. I sit up nights stressing about this.
Where to start? Four years ago, he came back into my life after a year in which we didn’t see each other. At that time, he was leaving his wife. I listened and said I was there for him.
I was in a bad situation myself, living on my own, feeling isolated and not going out. Anyway, one night he went off with a group of three girls, leaving me on my own in a bar. I went home, and later he turned up at my house with the girls.
My friend started a relationship with one of them, and this is the girl he is marrying. After the girls left that night, he came up to me, patted me on the head as though he were ‘the big man’ and said, “I love you, Erik.” Since agreeing to be his best-man, this memory haunts me for some reason.
This friend becomes angry if I speak longer than a few seconds, and he finds a way of interrupting me to divert attention back to himself. Only recently I realised he uses personal information, which is borderline inappropriate to mention, to knock me off my stride in conversation.
For example, in front of other people, he said, “You were in a worse situation than me when we met up again, weren’t you?” Another time it was, “Your parents must have worried when you were a baby and did projectile vomiting.” He is also fond of using the term “bless you” in an extremely patronizing way.
He brings these matters up when I am speaking about something entirely unconnected. Usually, his behaviour doesn’t dawn on me until after the fact; when I leave his company, deflated.
Now I avoid him and don’t return his calls. I’ve heard others refer to the sinking feeling you get when someone’s caller ID appears on your phone, and you don’t answer. I get that every time. I’ve confronted him, but it doesn’t change anything.
I am not a perfect person, and I know everyone needs a mirror held up to them. I’m sure my behaviour in some way contributes to the situation. I just wish I could find a way to stop this dynamic as it happens, because at the moment, all I can do is go back to him and say, “When you said ‘X’ the other day, it was a problem for me because…”
I feel I would be doing myself a disservice by being his best-man, but fear backing out will make me look bad and possibly lose the respect of others in our social circle.
Erik

Erik,
Good people always think they have a part in creating sour relationships, and bad people never do. This is a telling sign about good people, even as it is their downfall.
We cannot take on guilt for the actions of another. The problem is: Bad people will allow us to do that again and again. When we don’t let conniving people suffer the consequences of their behaviour, we deprive them. They won’t learn; they won’t grow; they won’t change.
That’s the only thing you should feel guilty about.
This man has gone through life doing what he is doing to you. What better lesson could he learn than having a man he doesn’t respect back out of his wedding.
Some people might want you to enter a lion’s cage saying, “When you roared, it made me feel…” We would tell you to arm yourself with a whip, a chair and a pistol.
You don’t say you are angry, but you are. Anger is one of our most valuable self-defense mechanisms. Listen to it and act from it.