Playwright, Eugene O’Neill said: ‘There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again.’ That’s a different way of saying: ‘No matter where you go, there you are.’ Changing our locale doesn’t usually alter our problems; usually, it just alters the scenery. As someone who has read our column, you know we don’t give blanket recommendations to ‘go to counseling.’
But sometimes we need a little assistance; sometimes we need to talk to someone about what needs to be done first. It’s like buying your first home, choosing a college to attend, or picking a vacation spot. The question is: How do I decide the most important thing to do first?
The most important thing for you isn’t the man in your life; the most important thing is you. Nobody can make you feel as good about you as you can, and there are people who can assist.
Usually when someone feels deeply bad about themselves, it’s because they had either an abusive parent, or one who was neglectful or ambivalent about them. The overt damage may have occurred at a time when you were too young to understand, be aware or remember what happened.
If that’s the case for you, then all you were left with is a sense of bafflement at the way your life is unfolding. In such a case, it can help to find an individual counsellor who is older than you — someone you can be a child with.
It doesn’t matter that you are now an adult. It was the child in you who was injured. That’s why talking to someone older may be useful. You need someone who can talk to your inner 5, 10 or 15-year-old.
It’s like going back to your high school reunion. School reunions put us back in time. In the same way it may be wise for you to go back in time and deal with those underlying, now-mysterious matters.