I HAVE reconnected with ‘K’, a woman I knew years ago. Let’s just say ‘K’ has issues; she wants me to take all her personal and business papers and sort them into three piles: Keep, toss, and give away. And she wants me to do this on my own.

Panic attack! K’s house is in chaos. If she doesn’t know where her papers are, how can I find them? In addition, she boards dogs and keeps them inside, because she hasn’t built kennels yet. She also has two divorces behind her and big debts.

‘K’ lives in the country. She said, “I will call you on a moment’s notice when I am ready to come in.” But after she called, she failed to show. Next day I learned she ended up getting together with a lady friend and drinking all day.

I told her I would help, but she needs to help me help her. I have a bad feeling about this.
Ali

Ali,
A traditional Girl Scout song says, “Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.” But like a lot of clichés, this one is full of exceptions.

Twitter and Facebook may make it a snap to reconnect with others, but often they are people we never had much in common with. That doesn’t mean friends are unimportant; just the reverse. Researchers have found having good friends helps us live longer, fight off colds, and be less susceptible to heart attacks.

In one fascinating study, researchers led people to the base of a steep hill and fitted them with heavy backpacks. Then they asked them to estimate the steepness of the hill. Those standing without friends judged the hill steeper than those among friends.

But if good friends comfort us, the reverse is also true. ‘K’ is a badly disorganized person. You can have compassion for her, but staying in her orbit will likely pull you down without lifting her up. A week after you organize her life, it will be chaos again, and she will blame you for everything.

We live in an odd age. Researchers often find complicated ways to say what should be obvious. The steepness researchers, for example, concluded that a psychosocial resource, social support, affects the visual perception of geographical slants.

Your grandmother would have said it more simply, along the lines of the Bette Midler song: “You’ve gotta have friends; genuine friends, not the other kind.
Wayne & Tamara