-a finger-licking experience
A FEW nights ago, I had the privilege of dining with three generations of one of Guyana’s most famous entrepreneurial families.   Well, I arrived to a veritable feast, even grander than I had expected, a fact which would have been fabulous, except for one little detail. Unknown to my hosts, I don’t eat meat, and it was ‘pork night’, according to the matriarch.

Since even the potato salad had bits of bacon in it, I was invited to partake of the potato roti and the garlic bread on the table and offered some dhal, which I gladly accepted.

The dhal arrived in an elegant ceramic bowl with handles on a matching saucer with a large soup spoon. An old classroom discussion from my university days suddenly entered my thoughts, and I remembered during a course in imperialist history, one of my lecturers talking about European etiquette, one fascinating thing stuck in my head and that was that a fork was used for eating things that we found perfectly acceptable to eat without hands – one example being given was curry and roti.

But I decided to gamble, not willing to take the chance and either look pretentious or even worse, comical, due to the fact that I had no previous experience of eating the dish that  way. Do I slice the roti up and then spear the pieces one-by-one and dip them in the dhal before eating? Or do I cut all the pieces and drop them in the dhal at once, and then pick them out to eat them? Being the klutz I am, how does one keep droplets of dhal from dripping unto one’s bosom when the napkin is expected to be sitting in your lap?

However, as gambles go, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and I was destined to lose this one. Uncertainly, I began to break little piece of the roti and  dip them into the dhal and bring them to my mouth as I had always done at home, at my friends’ homes, and at every jhandi or Hindu wedding I have ever attended.

To my horror, I soon realized that that almost everyone at the table was staring at me. Not able to gracefully change eating techniques mid-meal, I decided to continue.  I downed my head and concentrated on the task at hand: Finishing my dhal, which was delicious in case you’re wondering.  Almost done, I stole a sideways glance at the patriarch sitting at the head of the table and surprised him doing his damndest to keep a straight face.

Caught grinning, he commented in a conversational tone: “Children do that.”

“I haven’t seen that in a long time,” a daughter-in-law chimed in. Okay, things were now in the open and my mortification was now complete.

Feigning ignorance, I said: “So, how do you eat dhal and roti.”

“We break up the roti, drop it into the dhal, and then pick it out with a fork,” someone helpfully explained (thus proving my latter supposition correct).

After this memorable experience, I decided to follow-up the issue on table manners and found that it is a little-agreed subject all over the world, as different cultures observe different rules for table manners.  

One online source defines table manners as: “The rules of etiquette used while eating, which may also include the appropriate use of utensils.” This of course varies even in the same culture, as each family or group sets its own standards for how strictly these rules are to be enforced.

Some table manners dictates have practical origins. For example, it is generally impolite to put one’s elbows on a table, because in doing so, you can inadvertently tip over the wares.

Let’s look at some common table manners dictates from around the world:

In the United States of America, before sitting down to a formal meal, gentlemen stand behind their chairs until the women are seated. In some households, a prayer is usually said before the meal, and the guests may join in or be respectfully silent.  One does not start eating until everyone is served, or those who have not been served request that you begin without them.

Napkins are placed in the lap. At more formal functions, diners will wait to place their napkins on their laps until the host places his or her napkin on his or her lap. One waits until the host has picked up his or her fork or spoon before starting to eat.  Even if one has dietary restrictions, it is inappropriate for non-relatives to request food other than that which is being served by the host at a private function.

Soup must be dipped away from you and eaten noiselessly from the side of the spoon. You may thank or converse with the staff, but it is not necessary, especially if engaged in conversation with others. It is acceptable in the United States not to accept all offerings, and to not finish all the food on your plate. No one should ask why another doesn’t want any of a dish or why he has not finished a serving.

There should be no negative comments about the food, or of the offerings available. One chews with one’s mouth closed, does not slurp, talk with food in their mouth, or make loud or unusual noises while eating.  Do not talk excessively loudly as others must have equal opportunity for conversation. Never wave or point silverware. You may rest forearms or hands on the table, but not elbows.

Do not talk on your phone or ‘text’ at the table, or otherwise do something distracting, such as read or listen to a personal music player. Reading at the table is permitted only at breakfast.  If an urgent matter arises, apologise, excuse yourself, and step away from the table so your conversation does not disturb the others.

Fingers are used to eat certain foods, such as chicken wings, pizza and so on.  A fork may be used  either in the ‘American’ style (in the left hand for cutting, and switching  to right hand for  eating) or the European style with the fork always in left hand.

When you have finished eating soup from a bowl or larger ‘soup plate’, the spoon should be placed on the flat-plate beneath, if one is present. As courses are served, use your silverware from the outside, moving inward toward the main plate. Dessert utensils are either above the main plate or served with dessert.

When you have finished your meal, place all used utensils onto your plate together, on the right side, pointed up, so the waiter knows you are finished. Do not place used utensils on the table.

And here’s one I must highlight, since I’ve noticed this at many wedding parties and other social events in Guyana. Except when dining in a public restaurant, do not ask to take some uneaten food or leftovers home, and never do so when attending a formal dinner.

On the host’s part, he or she can offer guests food to take away but should not insist.  I liked this so much I made up a motto: “If yuh don’ pay, don’ carry way.”

Over in the UK, the fork is ALWAYS  held in your left hand and the knife in your right when used at the same time. Your hosts would expect you to cut up your food “one piece at a time” directly prior to eating. So you should never cut up multiple pieces and then proceed to eat them.

When having soup, you should hold your spoon in your right hand and tip the bowl away from you, scooping the soup in movements away from yourself. The soup spoon should never be put into the mouth, and soup should be sipped from the side of the spoon, not the tip.

And when eating bread rolls, it is good manners to break off a
piece before buttering. Use your knife only to butter the bread, not to cut it. Do not start eating before the host does, or instructs guests to do so.

The napkin should never be crumpled. Nor should it be folded neatly, as that would suggest that your host might plan to use it again without washing it. Just leave it neatly, but loosely on the table.

It is considered common courtesy for all gentlemen at the table to stand when a lady arrives or leaves the table. If extra food is on the table, ask others if they would like to have it before taking it yourself.

When chewing food, close your mouth and only talk after you have swallowed it. Do not slurp your food or eat loudly, and never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails.  Wine glasses should be held by the stem, in the case of white wines, and by cupping the bowl in the case of red wines.

In many African countries, cutlery is tossed aside in preference to eating with the right hand from communal dishes. For example, in   Tanzania, it is considered pretentious to use forks or knives to eat chapatti (roti) or ugali (a starchy staple formed in lumps and used to scoop food with). Other rules include not exposing the sole of your foot if eating on a mat or carpet, which is considered very rude, laughing and talking with food in your mouth, avoid touching your face, nose, ears and hair while eating and drinking beer straight from the bottle.

And in India, it is acceptable and even expected, I learned, that food will be eaten with the hands  instead of using cutlery, and many foods, including curry and roti, are eaten in this manner. For this reason, hands must be thoroughly washed before sitting at the table. Also, hands need to be washed after eating the food.  When flat breads such as chapatti, roti, or naan are served with the meal, it is acceptable and expected to use pieces of them to gather food and sop-up sauces and curries.

You do not have to taste each and every dish put in front of you, but you must finish everything on your plate, as it is considered respectful. So, put only as much food on your plate as you are able to eat. Do not leave the table until others have finished, or the host requests you. If you must, ask permission from the host before leaving.

Chinese table manners, I found out, are usually more informal than Western table manners but there are more rules concerning interaction with other guests. There are many rules regarding chopstick usage, such as when not   in use, chopsticks must always be placed neatly on the table with two sticks lying tidily next to each other at both ends. Failure to do so is evocative of the way the dead would be placed in a coffin before the funeral, and is a major faux pas.

Generally, I learned,  more conservative Chinese don’t like the practice of placing more than one or two bites of food in your bowl or serving plate, but this is relaxed if the person is from the West. Regarding seniority and guests at the table, the elderly or the guest or guests of honour are usually the first to start the meal. The youngest or least senior may serve the eldest or most senior first; the best food in a dish should be left to the elderly, children, or the guest of honour, even if they are one’s favourite.

Since eating and drinking go together, there are rules regarding this too: For example, the   host should always make sure everyone’s cup is not empty for long, and one should not pour for oneself, but if thirsty, should first offer to pour for a neighbour.  When toasting, younger members should clink the rim of their glass below the rim of an elder’s to show respect.

Well, if you ever find yourself being invited to dinner in Brazil, you can expect your hosts to ask you to help yourself. And like India, hands must be washed before going to the table, and food must never be left on the plate. However, unlike India, cutlery is always used, even for pizza.

One thing was constant though, when dining  in any country in the world, always say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’, and tell the host how good the food is.