The boys are trying to win their father’s favour and stay in his good graces. Their daily life depends on it. Nothing you can say, short of “I’m not going to marry your mother,” will be acceptable to them. They have been sent by their father to sabotage your relationship. Trying to win them over will only make you appear weak. This appears to be the familiar story of a father making sons copies of himself.

In the classic play by Euripides, Medea kills her children to spite her husband after he has left her for another woman. Emotionally, your fiancée’s situation may be even worse. Her ‘ex’ betrayed her and wronged her, yet he isn’t satisfied. He spites her still. He cannot wound her enough.

A good parent has the restraint of doing what is in the child’s best interest; a bad parent places no such restraint on himself. The good person questions whether they are good. For the bad person, the question never comes up. And good people don’t seem to know that!

We suggest you explore books in two different areas. The first is stalking and how to stop it. You must be forearmed against what your future wife’s ‘ex’ may be capable of. Even at a distance he poses a threat.

The other field to explore is the psychology of abuse. Understanding abuse will help you understand both what your wife-to-be has been through, as well as how her ex-husband thinks. A brilliant first book on abuse is ‘Dragonslippers’ by Rosalind Penfold. In text and illustrations, it captures the essence of this cruelty.

Openness has a place in our lives some of the time. At other times, it may be the worst thing we can do, because it lowers our defenses. Whatever you write will be reported to the boys’ father. Perhaps in time they will understand his behaviour from an adult perspective, but nothing can be gained now in writing them.