February 19

Dear Diary,
I AM so fed-up with this man. He treats me as though I’m invisible. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do. It wasn’t always like this; we were so much in love when we first met, now it all seems so useless. Maybe mama was right; you don’t really know a man till after you’ve married him. I should have listened to Nikita when she told me he wasn’t the right one for me, but I was naïve; I thought he was the one. I cook; he doesn’t eat, maybe a little sometimes.  He’s always so busy, never time to even have a meal with me; I mean, it’s the least he can do after all those hours of my slaving in the kitchen. He comes home to a clean house every day and always has clean clothes, but a ‘thank you’ never comes out of his mouth.  Maybe I should do what Aunt Odetta does to her husband: Make him take his clothes to the cleaners. LOL…

That would be funny. I spend hours in the salon and lots of money on new clothes, trying to always look my best for him, and he sees right through me. I am tired of feeling unappreciated. We don’t even watch a movie together anymore; all the DVDs are piling up and getting dust. I can’t even recall the last time we went to dinners or lunches, or just take a walk on the beach like we used to do. I miss just relaxing on the swing in the backyard and watching the moonlight with him. Intimacy is worse; he’s always ‘too tired’ now. Maybe I should cheat on him, and then maybe he’ll snap back to those days when I felt his love…Nah! That’s not me. Besides, I love him so much. Cheating on him would hurt me more than it would him; that’s if he notices.  All he does is give me money and gifts, which I thought was very sweet at first, but I never get just him anymore. Instead of watches, perfumes, shoes and jewellery, I would like his time, love, devotion, attention and care. I want the things money can’t buy. He always has to go on some business trip, spend crazy hours at the office, and whenever he’s home, he invites his colleagues over to watch a game or have drinks or something. Never any time for me. I feel so lonely. Scheups! I don’t need the love I can live with; I need the kind I can’t live without. I think it’s time to teach him a woman’s worth. 

I sat alone in the bedroom with only my thoughts for company. It was already 09:00pm, and Anthony still wasn’t home yet from work. Every week was the same thing. He left early in the mornings and came home late in the nights. I wouldn’t even get an hour with him, because after taking a shower, he’ll go straight to bed. It was nerve-wracking to sleep every night next to man that didn’t even know you were there, or maybe didn’t care enough to acknowledge that you were. I could get through the nights if he would at least hug me while he slept, but even that was a task for him. I felt like someone working at a complaints desk; every time I talked about him spending time with me, he complained about this or that, so I just stopped asking.  How Anthony changed from being the man that swept me off my feet with his every word to the stranger I lived with was quite a shock, and I was tired of coming up with reasons that would have maybe explained it; because nothing I thought of would suffice.

But to think he was fed-up of me, and this was his hint for me to leave made me cry. It was exhausting to spend so many hours in a day doing nothing. I used to do things to keep myself busy, but thoughts of Anthony would always capture my attention. My social life died slowly…I was a bore around my friends. I envied their smiles and laughter and their talk of things they did with their husbands. Jealousy grew inside of me every time I saw one of my friends’ vacation photos. I felt like the old lady among young lovers. So I stopped hanging out with them altogether.

But I wasn’t going to just let my marriage fall apart like that. I said vows, and I was going to honour them. I had every intention of fighting to save my marriage; even if it meant getting desperate or taking a risk that could possibly make me lose my marriage entirely. But I had already felt like I lost my husband, so it wasn’t that big of a gamble to me. I could have only gained from it.

I stopped trying to cater to his every need. If he wasn’t mannerly enough to at least appreciate my efforts, then there was no need for me to continue cooking and cleaning and washing. I left the pots empty, and the clothes baskets full. I had the same meal on the table for his dinner every night. When I woke up in the morning and saw that he hadn’t even raised the plate, I put it in the fridge for dinner again. The house became like a hoarder’s lot. I didn’t throw anything out anymore. Anthony was so ashamed one evening when he brought a business partner for drinks, thinking I had cleaned up. It was funny watching him scramble to move things around… but I didn’t care.

For sure, I continued to keep myself looking attractive, but this time, it wasn’t to gain my husband’s attention. I stopped being the old maid waiting for my husband to come home; instead, I started going out early and coming home late. Whenever Anthony had his friends over, I had mine. He took business trips; I took leisure trips. I took late night walks on the beach alone and would watch a movie every night I was home. I was out to prove to Anthony that being his wife didn’t mean that I had to depend on him to be happy, so that he could take me for granted as he so chooses. I was his wife because I loved him, and wanted to be his wife.

Anthony didn’t say much about my change in mood, but I noticed the questioning looks he would send my way from the corner of his eyes. I knew right away that my new bid for independence was taking effect. I even had a few male friends that I met while out partying call the house for me whenever my husband was home. I had long conversations and loud laughter, much to the annoyance of my spouse. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to fold until he begged to have me there, or be thankful for me.

So I did the unthinkable. I had one of my male friends come to the house to pick me up, knowing very well that Anthony was on the front verandah with his work colleagues having drinks. I dressed as sexily as I could, showing just enough feminine assets to make any man’s head spin. Ironically, when my ‘date’ came, the first person he saw was Anthony. I wanted to burst with laughter as I heard him ask my husband if I was ready. Naturally, Anthony was angry at this, but I think he was more embarrassed that his colleagues were witnessing the scene, so he kept his composure. I waited a few minutes, then I stepped out of the house.

I told my husband not to wait up for me, as I would be late, and blew him a kiss. I hugged my date and headed for his car. I felt Anthony’s eyes piercing my back as I walked, but I didn’t even look around. I was making my point clear: You can’t have a woman and not appreciate her, or else someone else will.

When I got home, Anthony was in the living-room waiting for me. He demanded an explanation for what happened earlier. I told him I owed him nothing; that I was my own woman, and made to walk away. He grabbed my arm and when I looked at him, I saw the tears in his eyes. For the first time in a long time, I saw that my husband cared.  It was time to end the charade. I held him and told him the truth, the reason why I did everything I was doing for the past few weeks. Anthony apologized and swore that his taking me for granted was never to happen again. Hugging me tight, he whispered in my ears: “I love you.”

I guess it’s true: You don’t really miss the water until the well runs dry.

April 6
Dear diary,
I couldn’t ask for b
etter times with my husband. He showers me now with so much love and attention, any woman would be glad to be me. I’m not bragging or boasting, but I feel like I am living in a fantasy or am part of a fairy tale story that always ends happily ever after. Today, Anthony bought me a dozen roses, one for each month of the year. It was on the bed next to me when I woke up. That was so sweet. I am so happy to be his wife and can’t imagine anything else. Our marriage is so blessed, and I thank God every day for the day I met Anthony. We’re like two young kids in love all over again. I know it had been rough for a while, but which marriage isn’t? Daddy always said, ‘it’s getting up after a fall that counts.’ I found out from the doctor yesterday that I soon will be having two new reasons to celebrate my life with Anthony. I can’t wait to tell him. It’s so nice when a man can recognise and appreciate a woman’s worth.