We live our lives in the first person singular, which causes us to think things remain the same. But they never do. As the ancient writer, Heraclitus observed: “We cannot step into the same river twice.” The river may be named the same, yet it is always different from the river we stepped into yesterday.

Today we are a baby, tomorrow a toddler, a student, a teen, or a young adult making our own babies. Relatives die, we change houses and jobs, our children marry. Laws, heads of state, technology and television shows all change. Ideas and trends shift in the breeze.

Yet our life goes on, and each age of life comes with challenges. Your mother-in-law’s 30-year marriage changed, even though she didn’t notice. Now it’s not a matter of “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” It’s a matter of remaking her life to correspond to the pattern of life.

Don’t be her crutch, and don’t make her your life’s work. Your role is more like the steady hand which helps a child ride the bicycle alone. You have to know the exact moment to pull your hand away so you can celebrate her transition. Be a helping hand, not training wheels.

For starters, don’t neglect the practical. Your mother-in-law needs to talk to a lawyer. If her ex-husband ever returns, she needs to receive what she is legally entitled to. She should also continue applying for better paying jobs.

But her real task is this: Her brain has established a stance, a way of addressing the world. Yet study after study shows the brain, even in older adults, is capable of reinventing itself. Your mother-in-law needs to get out with other people doing new activities in fresh places. She needs to rediscover old interests and forge new ones.

Help her explore the concept of aging well. Consider many options to find the handful which are right for her. This takes effort but it can be exhilarating, like the pretest nervousness which enables us to excel. The process will do you both good because just as circumstances transformed her life, so your life will be surprised by the unpredictable.

We can never step in the same river twice. New water is always rushing past. Finding our poise in the midst of change is what life is about.
Wayne & Tamara