I’VE BEEN reading your advice for awhile, and I think you’re both very down-to-earth, sensible people; I feel comfortable with your answers. That being said, I need some help.

I’m almost 20, and I’ve never dated anyone. Honestly, I’ve never been interested in any guy. I don’t like summer flings, and I don’t date because ‘all my friends are doing it’. I’m 100 per cent happy with myself, so there’s never been a desire to find a partner.

Apparently, love turns up when you’re not looking for it. I recently met a man who respects me more than my own family, is on the same intellectual level as I am, and shares my same passions. When he asked if we could formally start a relationship, I said no. I told him I’d like to keep him as a friend for now. I’m still trying to financially establish myself and get back into school.

I moved away to pursue a job and haven’t seen him for six months. I think about him every single day. When I left, I had a little crush on this man. I missed him, but I went on with my life. Six months later, I find myself restraining my fingers from dialing his phone number. I keep myself busy so I don’t send him six billion e-mails in two hours.

I do all the silly first-time love things, like write him letters, poetry, and music. I send him presents for no reason.

He said he would rather be alone the rest of his life than have someone that wasn’t me. I have never seen respect like he’s showed me. If it were up to me, I would ask him to wait a few years before we start anything.

Of course, I’m trying to be realistic, and that isn’t fair to him. I don’t want to drop the life I have now and move back. I just got a job I’ve been trying to get for six months. I play guitar in an amazing band, and I just moved to New York, an amazing city.

Like I said, I’m 100 per cent happy on my own. If he did go off and find a life with someone, I’d probably accept it and acknowledge it was a missed opportunity for me. As long as he’s happy, I’m glad for him. Am I missing out on something I should be taking advantage of?
Cissy

Cissy,
Your letter is full of doubletalk, but not the malicious kind. I’ll be happy for him if he leaves, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I’d like him to wait, but I can’t ask him to park his life for years to see if I’ll date him.

To outsiders, you appear to be possessed of a warrior self, and you’re really out there. Your romantic life says you’ve yet to enter the fray. We know you value intimate relationships, which is great. You understand if the person you marry is no more than the last person you dated, you’ll never be content.

One line in your letter stands out: “He respects me more than my own family.” Why does a man you hardly know respect you more than they do? We suspect there’s a deficit of affection in your family. If that’s the case, it’s time to get your hurt self and your hero self into alignment.

Perhaps this isn’t about him, the job, or the location. It’s about you. We don’t willy-nilly recommend counseling, but you have some things to sort out, so find someone who can help you. Don’t stagnate.

In older times, a man might build a house, clear the land, and plow his fields, not knowing who he would wed but becoming ready to wed. That’s where we think you are. Clearing the fields and getting ready for what is to come, but not yet there.
Wayne & Tamara