MY WIFE and I were in our early 20s when we married 16 years ago. We have a nine-year-old daughter. In most circumstances, we get along well enough, but I find our relationship isolates me from family and friends.

My parents are elderly but in reasonable health, and they adore their granddaughter. The problem is, my wife can’t stand them, so we rarely see them. This year, my daughter saw her grandparents only once or twice for a few hours each time.

My wife also demanded that Thanksgiving and Christmas be just the three of us. Every time I try and arrange opportunities to get us all together, there is conflict — sometimes truly acrimonious conflict.

Last year my aunt died. I couldn’t go to the funeral because my wife hates my aunt’s kids. The situation with my best friend is similar, so I see him rarely. When I want to buy gifts, as for Christmas or birthdays, my wife insists on picking them so as to keep the cost minimal. I’d say parsimonious.

My parents are going to get old and die, and I feel I’m missing a really special part of life by not getting to know them as friends and not being of service to them.

This compromises my core values. By not having the ability to say “Yes!” to a get-together, road trip, or dinner, I’m not being the kind of son and friend I need to be. Similarly, my daughter is missing her opportunity to know her grandparents.

My family and my friends are good people, and are unaware of my wife’s disdain for them. I’ve made excuses for years, but every excuse hurts more and robs me of my self-respect. Divorce would be a disaster, but the lie I’m living is a disaster.
Greg

Greg,
In A Christmas Carol Charles Dickens wrote: “Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.”

This fact, spoken to The Ghost of Christmas Yet to come, is all too often ignored. When we live as we have, our lives continue as they were. When we change our behavior, our lives change.

Your wife has you lying to others, and even worse, she denies you the emotional support of people who love you. She has used your good nature to betray you. You don’t want to disparage her to your family, but that has turned your marriage into house arrest.

What does a con man look for? A stooge! What does an abuser look for? A victim! What do good people look for? The good in others! So, it is not a surprise when bad things happen to good people, and it’s not a surprise that it is difficult to extricate them when they remain silent.

Some marriages are not in the service of what is good; they are in the service of a person who acts badly. A spouse who isolates a partner from loving family is a controller, and that is never a good sign.

Tell your family what is going on. Once you tell them, you will have all the backing you need. Consider your long-term plans and goals, and what you want from life. Consult with an attorney. You need to know in advance what might happen if your marriage ends.

You do not need your wife’s permission, or knowledge, to do this. Once you have formulated a plan based on your values, announce the end of your exile.

The psychologist, Abraham Maslow once remarked if we plan on being less than we are able to be, we can plan on being unhappy for a lifetime. Our nature is to seek what we deeply need, and anyone who loves us will support us in that.

Unless you act, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to come has foretold your future.
Wayne & Tamara