MY BOYFRIEND and I plan on buying a home together. He has been divorced 12 years, and has four adult children — two boys from his first marriage, and two girls from the second. They grew up together on weekends with their father and his second wife.

He and his first wife hate each other. He gets along with his two daughters and now, after a period of estrangement, with his older son. Recently, he has not had contact with his younger son. I am concerned. This young man is a college grad, but more of a momma’s boy, and in the past, into drugs.

My boyfriend loves all his children, and misses them terribly when they’re not in his life. I have known him as a friend for 10 years, dated him for six, but the children have not met me.

When he dated and lived with another woman, she verbally mistreated the children. She never incorporated his family photos in their house, and all pictures were of her family only. I am sure the children noticed this the few times they were invited over.

My boyfriend is so proud to show me pictures of his children, and he tells me everything about them. I feel as if I already know each and every one of them. I want them to know I love their dad, and I open my arms to each of them as if they were my own.

I would like to invite his children often to our new home and get them into a more family-oriented relationship with their dad. I plan on making a wall with all our family photos. I would also like to have everyone for a long weekend at our home, or take a trip to a dude ranch or someplace fun. Would this be a good idea?

How should I go about bringing this once close family back together as a new family unit? What would be the best way to help my boyfriend get closer to his younger son?
Twyla

Twyla,
If you saw a man running down the street, what should you do? Do you think it might make a difference why he was running? Heck, yes.

If the police were chasing him because he assaulted a woman, you might lob something in his path to slow him down. If a large dog was chasing him, you might grab a shovel to hold the dog at bay. And if he was running for his health, you probably would do nothing at all.

Each of your boyfriend’s children has a story, and if they told you their version of growing up, you might swear they weren’t talking about the same family. It’s fantastic to welcome them with open arms, but what looks to you like a once idyllic family may not have been so idyllic.

Start slow. You dated their father six years, and these young adults don’t know who you are. That shows a level of family disconnection. And your boyfriend’s younger son; it doesn’t sound as if he is on a spiritual journey. More likely he is running from what he comes from.

So first, let the children know you exist. The grander an event you make this, the grander the chance for a catastrophe. Don’t go from zero to 60 with people you never met. Some family members don’t mesh, and when they grow up and have their own personality, they may not enjoy each other’s company.

It might be best to meet the children one at a time, or on neutral territory, like a restaurant. They have an idea how they want their own lives to go. Don’t be sad or surprised if you can’t pull them together. But keep the door always open; let them feel your warmth and your welcome. You can’t resurrect the past, but you can create something new.
Wayne & Tamara