I AM a married man whose wife is a binge drinker. We have four children at home. My wife was a great mother and my best friend. She’s been drinking now for 15 years, gone to meetings, and had all there is to be offered by the National Health Service.

When she left us, she went into shelters or lived on the streets. Last year in October, it took its toll. She hit bottom. I am a self-employed engineer, and managed to work and keep everything going at home. My wife got dry, spent Christmas with us, and got herself a job. This week, after eight months, for no reason, she started to binge again.

I tried to stop the cycle; I talked and talked to her. It didn’t do any good. She missed her 16-year-old daughter’s school show in the West End, and let our eight-year-old down again. These children need their mother; I need her.

She left again today. She talks of beating it and being a family again, but I’m not sure I’ve got it in me to go yet another eight months. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Fritz

Why is a philanthropist a philanthropist? Because he has so much extra to give to others, it never touches the core of his wealth. You aren’t a philanthropist; you don’t have extra to give away.

We don’t know why your wife drinks and neither do you, but think of the harm she has already done to your children. Children of alcoholics don’t know what normal is; they struggle in intimate relationships, and often become entangled in compulsive behaviour, either their own or someone else’s.

These kids don’t strive to succeed; they strive to survive. These kids don’t strive to thrive; they strive to hold on. It is as if the alcoholic is the headmaster in a peculiar school, one which instills the values of anxiety, fear, giving up, and feeling worthless.

Drunks can be dangerous. At any time your wife could be arrested or commit a crime. The harm she causes may extend from your children to their children. Helping your children now can prevent their lives from being further damaged.

You can free yourself in either of two ways. First, leave your wife alone and see what she does. If she pulls herself out of it, she will likely come to you. You don’t need to watch over her. The future is in her hands, not yours. But don’t be surprised if 10 years from now, she is still drinking and on the streets.

Second, realise your wife prefers drinking to what you and her family have to offer. She left home and hearth to drink. She doesn’t want what you can give her, but you have four children who need to be protected and nourished. Do for them what you cannot force upon her.

You thought she hit rock-bottom, but she came back home and decided to drink again, as if nothing would be lost. Has she learned anything? Apparently not. Most people struggle just trying to have a good life. Why pour in so much effort on a person who thumbs her nose at what is right?

If alcoholism is truly a disease, then it is an infectious disease. It only takes one person to make five, 10, or 40 other people suffer. For the child of an alcoholic, the alcoholic does not have a disease. They are the disease. Defend your children from this infection.
Your wife has access to help she won’t take, and professionals can’t alter her behaviour. There is no reason for you and the children to go down with her. You asked one question: “Am I wrong to feel I have no more to give her?” The answer is you are not wrong, and you are not wrong to act based on those feelings.
Wayne & Tamara