ABOUT A YEAR ago, I started to suspect my husband was having at least an emotional affair. Something was changing the familiar pattern of our relationship. I also found notes from a woman on his Facebook page, and odd numbers on the phone bill.

At first I attributed the change in our level of intimacy to a combination of his age and a medication he was taking for stress. However, when I looked up the medication, there was no indication the drug affected the sex drive. When I asked my husband if he was interested in having an affair, I got a predictable answer.

Then last weekend we were at a pub. He drank too much, and told me he would call his younger ‘friend’ to keep him company, unless I agreed to stay with him and drink. I was not drinking. I got up and went home, and he followed.

When I asked him about it the next day, he could not give me an explanation. I am an investigator by profession, and part of me wants to follow up. I will be devastated — emotionally or physically — if it turns out he is having an affair. We have two teenage children. Should I start to dig? Or, should I live with a suspicious mind?
Rochelle

Rochelle,
Unchecked, the worm of doubt will eat you up; that’s the first reason to consider digging. If your husband is involved with another woman, there is a high degree of risk in your marriage. That’s the second reason.

Whenever we have risk in our lives, it is best to try to manage it. That’s true, whether we are talking about flooding rivers, other drivers, or a potentially unfaithful spouse. But before you can manage risk, you have to identify its presence.

Ignorance prevents you from knowing the hazard and calculating the risk. You may think your marriage will last, no matter what, but that is a little like people who believe they are good drivers, even when they are drunk. The point is: Our beliefs have little to do with the actual level of risk in our lives. Something has altered your relationship with your husband; you’ve spoken to him; no resolution came from that. Now, you have to step up and do more. It is no different than if a member of your family had a medical problem. Would you forget about it?

You heard a bump in the basement; you’re an investigator, so investigate. And hold to the rules of investigation: Document, gather evidence, get all your ducks in a row before you interview the ‘suspect’. Documentation will help, should it become necessary to verify things to your children or to others.
Wayne & Tamara

The Wrong Foot
MY BOYFRIEND and I were friends for four years and recently started dating. During our friendship, we fell deeply in love and now want to be married. During our months together, we have noticed his dad doesn’t like me, so we have come up with a way to get married without his father objecting.

I will get pregnant. We want our families at the wedding, and we don’t want to elope. What do you think?
Suki

Suki,
You can’t change anyone else. You can be a good person and respectful. You can be a great mom and a great wife and perhaps win him over. But that is not your purpose in life. Your purpose in life is to be a good person for its own sake.

Let your actions speak for you; let your character shine; let people know you for who you are. Be worthy of respect, and if there are others who don’t respect you, never give them a second thought. Some people can’t be won over.

Part of being worthy of respect is not using ploys to force from others what is not freely given.
Wayne & Tamara