After being with the same partner for longer than most celebrity marriages, those within the union can start feeling that lovemaking has become a case of ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ rather than a celebration of the true closeness that used to exist. SHERRY BOLLERS-DIXON explores the reasons why lustre may have slipped under the floorboards.

JENNI, 26, and Richard, 27, met four years ago in at an after-work event, and have been together ever since. They both have hectic careers in sales, and spend most weekends doing up their new apartment. “We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other at first; it was passionate and exciting,” says Jenni. “But when we moved in together, the sparkle went, and I didn’t feel sexy. Richard stopped trying to seduce me and I became terrified he was going to leave me for somebody else.”

Dr Ian Smith says it’s impossible to count the number of couples he’s seen in a similar situation. “Jenni and Richard were not taking the time to enjoy each other, because of their hectic lifestyles,” he says. “We only have a finite amount of physical energy, and we need to save some of it for sex. In my experience, exhaustion and stress are two of the biggest passion killers a couple can face.”

Determined to change the situation, Jenni booked a holiday in Tobago for two weeks. “We spent a few days on the beach and relaxed for the first time in ages. We walked, talked, cuddled, hugged and held hands everywhere we went. The old feelings came flooding back and made us realise that we need to chill out together more often. Now we’re back, we make it a point of going to bed early with a video at least twice a week. We work less overtime and go out instead of spending our time painting walls and sanding the floor! I can honestly say things are better, both in and out of bed.”

Jenni and Richard’s problem was obviously just not spending enough time to reconfirm the love and affection they knew they had. However, for some, the lack of lustre may be hidden under a veil of other problems.

Lack-buster # 1
Relationship hitches
Female desire can’t be turned on at the flick of a switch, and if you’re not getting on emotionally with your partner, it’s unlikely that you’ll respond physically. A lot of couples don’t synchronize their lives — getting up and going to bed at different times; doing separate things in the evenings — which means they don’t have any time for what I call ‘pre-foreplay pillow talk’. Whereas a man can go from naught to ten on the passion scale in the unbuckling of a belt, a woman often needs to have a feeling of intimacy to get aroused.

Passion fix: Plan to go to bed early together a couple of times a week – not necessarily for sex, but to talk. Tell your partner what you need both emotionally and physically. He hasn’t got a crystal ball. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy and try to break your sex routine. If you feel turned on before dinner, seize the moment and have sex before you eat. Don’t wait until later because it may not happen.

Lack-buster # 2
Shaky self-esteem
If you feel happy, attractive and successful, you’ll almost certainly feel good about yourself and sexy, too. But if you feel bad about yourself, even the most skilled lover won’t be able to turn you on.

Passion fix: The key is to define what’s making you feel low. Are you unhappy at work? Are you feeling miserable because you’ve put on weight? Have you suffered a bereavement? Once you identify the problem, you need to think about making some tough decisions, or getting the appropriate help. Do you need a new job? Do you need to take up running? Maybe talking to a friend will help, or you may have to ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor. One of the key symptoms of depression or stress is lack of libido. Exercise can help to improve mood, as can counselling. It’s likely that once you start working through the negative feels, your sexual feelings will return with a vengeance.

Lack-buster # 3
Out-of-whack hormones
Because hormones are partly responsible for determining a woman’s sex drive (testosterone regulates blood supply to the genitals, and oestrogen influences vaginal lubrication, for example), any imbalance can knock it out of kilter. A research team in Australia has recently defined a condition called ‘premature ovarian failure’, in which a complete lack of hyperlactomania (when a woman produces too much prolactin, usually when breastfeeding, when stressed for long periods of time, or after a trauma) can drive down desire. And numerous studies link fluctuating oestrogen levels with a diminished sex drive.

Passion fix: These conditions are pretty rare in young women, but may be the reason why you can’t get turned on even if you’re in a happy relationship and not stressed. Relationship counsellors suggest asking your doctor to do a blood test to check your hormone levels. If your testosterone is low, a gynaecologist may insert a tiny implant in your stomach where it releases replacement hormones. If your prolactin level is high, counter-medication can be prescribed. If your oestrogen levels are too high or too low, your doctor may suggest a new brand of contraceptive pill. The good news is that, in most cases, hormonal imbalance can be put right.

Read more of Sherry Dixon’s articles on www.sherrydixon.net and join her women’s empowering website on www.womenonthecrossroads.com