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LAST YEAR, someone from high school tracked me down and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. He separated from his wife nine years ago, and they divorced two years later. Even after the divorce, he spent Christmas with his ‘ex’ and their two sons. He also goes to the sons’ birthday parties which his ‘ex’ has with her extended family.
I thought that was commendable, until we fell in love and he started talking about marriage. I could understand it when the children were young, but they are now 19 and 22. I also discovered he doesn’t mail his ‘ex’ alimony every month; he takes it to her personally.
The divorce was his choice, and he said he gave her the house and everything. He left all his personal possessions behind, because he didn’t want to be reminded of her. And she had purchased most of his clothes. After almost a decade, she still has them.
My views are coloured by my parents’ divorce. They never saw or spoke to each other until a couple of years ago, 25 years after their separation. Within a year, my mother got rid of everything my dad left. It worries me his ex-wife might be waiting for him to go home, and he may feed that hope by visiting her.
Should I kiss him goodbye on holidays and hope he has a good time with his ‘ex’, or expect him to create new traditions with me and our families, if we get married? And when should I broach the subject, before or after he formally proposes?
Theresa
I thought that was commendable, until we fell in love and he started talking about marriage. I could understand it when the children were young, but they are now 19 and 22. I also discovered he doesn’t mail his ‘ex’ alimony every month; he takes it to her personally.
The divorce was his choice, and he said he gave her the house and everything. He left all his personal possessions behind, because he didn’t want to be reminded of her. And she had purchased most of his clothes. After almost a decade, she still has them.
My views are coloured by my parents’ divorce. They never saw or spoke to each other until a couple of years ago, 25 years after their separation. Within a year, my mother got rid of everything my dad left. It worries me his ex-wife might be waiting for him to go home, and he may feed that hope by visiting her.
Should I kiss him goodbye on holidays and hope he has a good time with his ‘ex’, or expect him to create new traditions with me and our families, if we get married? And when should I broach the subject, before or after he formally proposes?
Theresa
Theresa,
We take the same way to work until one day there is a detour sign. Then we change. With this couple, nothing happened to change their rituals. She didn’t have a new husband, and he didn’t have a new wife. But they were legally divorced, and in all these years, he has not gone back to her.
Now, change is in the offing. If he proposes and you marry, that will be the first change. Other changes will come because his sons are of an age to hold jobs, have girlfriends, and marry. Surely the sons’ wives will have a say in how Christmas is celebrated, and jobs and places of residence will influence these decisions as well.
Philosophers delight in creating thought experiments by asking the question: “What if?” The rest of us also do this. What if I didn’t go to work today? Would I be missed? Would it matter to the boss? Will I have enough sick days left at the end of the year?
Broach this matter to your intended as a thought experiment and see what he says. If you want to be with him on holidays, let him know. Now that Christmas has passed, it would be the perfect time.
Wayne & Tamara
Backfire
I WAS recently caught talking about a friend to another friend. My friend made a comment about the other friend’s son, and I was going to chime in when the other friend walked in.
I hadn’t actually said anything, but there was an awkward silence and she knew something was being said behind her back. I feel absolutely horrible, but I’m not sure what to do. I should never have been talking about anyone, and now I’m afraid that I ruined a friendship.
Lorena
Lorena,
There’s an old saying that a stranger stabs you in the front, but a friend stabs you in the back. From this experience, you learned what you were going to say is less important than the damage done to another and your own mortification.
So, perhaps this would be a good rule for the new year: Never hesitate to repeat a positive, but think twice about negatives. Fix them if you can, warn others if they must know, but otherwise stay out of the way.
Wayne & Tamara
