MY HUSBAND and I married young, and my mother-in-law didn’t approve.  She bought us a wedding gift but refused to help with the wedding.  That’s how I learned this woman uses money in every aspect of her relationships.  Coming from a single parent home where money was tight, it was hard to understand.

Eight years ago, she moved outside the country, which caused her to have more money but to be more lonely.  Four years later, my husband and I had our first child; her first grandchild.  She was excited and provided a lot of money, including a loan for my husband and me to buy our own house.  It was appreciated, but in my gut, it felt like a bad idea because she uses money to get what she wants.

Our house is a free hotel when she visits, and she takes control of my house from cleaning to what we have for supper.  This year, she’s gone over the top.  She cannot make it home for the holidays, so her solution is paying off our loan in return for us going to her house.  I am willing to give up the money to spend the holidays in peace with my friends and family, but my husband has been won over and wants to go for the money.

We can’t get vacation time off from work, so she expects us to drive nine hours on Christmas Eve with a four-year-old to make it to her house for Christmas Day.  How do you say no when, financially, it will help in the long-run. But it means traveling two days out of four on the holidays?  And how do you explain to a four-year-old that Santa can come to grandma’s house but not his?
Rita

Rita,
In one of his essays, Emerson wrote: “We do not quite forgive the giver.  The hand that feeds us is in some danger of being bitten.”  He added that when love is present, it is possible both to give and receive.  When love is absent, the transaction feels dirty and dishonest.

Yours is not the typical mother-in-law letter we get: My mother-in-law hates me; my mother-in-law abuses me; my mother-in-law is trying to take my baby away from me.  All you can say is that your mother-in-law doesn’t approve of marrying young; she didn’t contribute to the wedding; and she uses your house as a hotel.

In her defense, she might say marrying young creates a huge risk of divorce. As mother of the groom, it was not her place to plan or pay for the wedding, and people with limited funds, like your birth family, normally put up visiting relatives anyway.

We would have a different answer if she made your life a living hell.  It might put your problem in perspective if you take the price of your house, use a mortgage calculator to figure out the interest, and calculate the number of hours it would take you and your husband to earn that amount of money.  Weigh that against the discretionary income you now have.

The problem here is not solely on the giver; your husband takes the money and you are the beneficiary.  Your husband’s relationship with his mother and your relationship with her have gotten out of whack.  The relationship has turned into an exchange of one commodity, money, for another, time.  When that happens, as Emerson said, “I find that I am not much to you.”

The question to ask is, for your sakes and for the sake of your son, would it be possible to put this relationship aright?

How much would you throw her for a loop, and how much joy might there be in your family, if next year you could visit her sometime over the holidays and say, “No thanks, Mom, we don’t want your money.  We just came to see you for Christmas.”
Wayne & Tamara