Forget self-doubt and embrace your strengths – true confidence starts with you. So this year, make one resolution and stick to it – be true to yourself;  it’s time for change.

YOU CAN’T be confident when you’re constantly playing a role – a role you’re afraid people will find out.  For about 20 years, I was following the wrong script.  My family wanted me to be a nurse and, of course, I grew up thinking I wanted to be a nurse too. 

My parents were not horrible, domineering people; they were just loving parents who wanted what they thought was the safest life for me. I’ve got books from primary school where I’ve written, “I’m going to be a doctor when I grow up.”  That’s scary.  So I took science A Levels, failed, retook them, went to college and studied more science and biology.    Outwardly, I was this studious, slightly eccentric misfit with my heart set on being a nurse but that was not me at all. All my friends at that time were the same type: Reserved and tight lipped.  I was out of place as I had different interests from them.

Being me is at the very heart of any plan or desire to live and act with genuine confidence.  I later learned that being yourself is the first, foremost, and only means of acquiring this confidence.  It’s the basis, the rock of who you really are, and if you’re playing a role, you can’t act naturally.  You can’t trust your responses, because you’re always pretending, always lying.  You can’t be confident, because you’re terrified people will find you out — which they will.

The role-playing usually starts in childhood.  We are not born like this. Nobody is more confident than a newborn baby. But if the people around you criticise you, or constantly want you to be different, or if they only ‘approve’ of you when you do things they want you to, you’ll grow up too frightened to be yourself. It’s an over-riding fear of rejection.

Sort it out
If this sounds like you, then some rigorous self-questioning has to be done, particularly in response to your emotions, which can usually be trusted to tell you how you are really feeling about something, hence who you really are.  While we can control how we act and what we say, our feelings are harder to keep in check.  When you have an emotion, especially if it’s a mixture of feelings, sit still and work out what it actually means. For example, so many people say, “I never get angry.”  Then they say they get migraines, or they have to look at what is at the root of all those emotions.  Often, they are very angry.  So, what are they angry about?

When I finally resolved that nursing was not for me, and resolved to follow my passions, I enrolled in journalism/business school and later went on to write for numerous newspapers (including this one). Finally, I became editor of two top selling magazines. Beauty was my hobby, and I later used my biology and science expertise to write about those subjects. My family were not happy at the time, but now they’re now pleased, and I’m happy.  Everything comes easier to me now, like what to wear in the morning, friendships, what to eat and what to read, and so on.  I have less money, less security, and an uncertain career path.  But, ironically, I’m so much more confident.

My friend Laverne, who is a childminder, is always putting herself down, apologising in advance for her many ‘failings’ (her cooking, her messy flat, her failure to follow a diet).  Her apologising has become a constant habit, a security blanket.  Anyone who knows her can see her strengths – her flair, creativity and sense of fun, her gift with her children – yet she prefers not to acknowledge them.  To mark the contrast even more, she heaps praise and compliments on everyone else.

“I know what I’m good at,” admits Laverne, 44, “but I dwell on my negative points.”  Her son, now nine, attends a highly academic school on a scholarship where many of the other parents are wealthy and ‘high achieving’.  At the same time, her employers invariably have more than Laverne, in terms of material wealth.  “I’m surrounded by adults whose lives are outwardly more successful,” she says.  “I think a lot of my behaviour is a reaction to that.  I want to point out how much better they are before they have time to think it themselves.”

It’s a common trap.  Even when we’ve managed to stay true to our strengths, it’s important not to overplay or fear our weaknesses.  It can be tempting to avoid a challenge with the fallback position. “I’m rubbish at that,” and to point out and pump up our failings before anyone notices them.

“People aren’t constantly evaluating you,” says Mind Gym psychologist, Danielle Heffernan.  “Yes, we compare people from time to time, but for the most part, we’re caught up in our own universe.”  Avoid simplistic comparisons.  Life is too complex to see everyone as ‘winners’ or ‘losers’.  People who are winning at X could be losing at Y.  To win at one thing, you have to sacrifice something else, hence, the expression, “Nothing’s such a failure as success.”

When next picking over your negative points, examine the flipside.  Maybe you’re not a good talker, but an excellent listener.  Laverne doesn’t have the dynamic career she admires in others, but she has been able to fulfil her goal of staying at home with her son since his birth, while earning a decent living doing important charity work very well.

Focus on the positive
Dwelling on your perceived failures is self-defeating. You end up thinking you have major weaknesses, whereas, in fact, those areas may simply be mediocre, or not one of your strengths.  Focus on your positive points.  Write down your qualities; really home in on them. Ask other people you trust what they think.  People who come across best are those who can recall their strengths and successes before their shortcomings.  When taking a risk and stepping out of your comfort zone, express confidence in small, crucial ways – smiling, good posture and eye contact.

Project a confident you
The next step to rediscovering your confidence is to begin to relate to yourself from a place of unconditional warmth.  We often think that people perceive us in the way we perceive ourselves, with harsh and critical judgement.  This further undermines our self-esteem.

One way that we can relate to ourselves with love and compassion is to imagine who we want to be, rather than who we think we are.  Then we begin to become that person.  As the Greek philosopher, Epictetus, said: “First, say to yourself what you would be; then do what you have to do.”

So, in conclusion, this year make this your most confident year yet.  If there is one resolution you make, it should be to be kind to yourself. Remind yourself what you value, what you care about, and what inspires you.