SOMETIMES we can tell when something is wrong in our relationships even before it is put into words. And while some men have gone the cruel route of bluntly telling their partners “I don’t love you anymore”, others will only admit this through their behaviour.
Like the old adage says ‘actions speak louder than words’, so we can often draw from his actions what he is really feeling.
Transformational coach Courtney Kazembe said one first has to understand what love is in order to know when their partner is not in love with them.
“Understanding love is the most critical thing. A lot of people mistake attention for love. Now attention can come without love but love doesn’t come without attention,” he said. “Love is when you can tell the person the truth and tell the other person what is going on inside of you. Real love is the truth, to say what is so and deal with what is so.”
Ways to tell he doesn’t love you:
* Lack of attention: “When a man loves a woman or even a woman loves a man there is going to be some amount of attention involved,” Kazembe explained. “But showing attention doesn’t necessarily mean he loves you. But it is obvious there is going to be some amount of attention because with love comes attention. Some will manipulate you with attention which isn’t love but if there is no attention, there is no love.”
* Lack of respect: “If he loves you, you are going to get a certain amount of respect — the way the person talks to you, the way he deals with you, the way he honours you. So respect has to be there,” Kazembe said.
* He does not trust you: “If he loves you, there is going to be a level of trust. Most of us see trust in a way that ‘I trust you to do what I want you to do’. I think trust is a little different. I see trust in that ‘I trust your intelligence, I trust that what you do is the best thing for you. I trust you and honour you and respect you. Therefore, I am not just trusting you to do what I want you to do — but whatever you do I trust that you do it because it is best for you,” he said.
* He has no desire to spend time with you: “If I love you, I want to spend time with you,” Kazembe said. “If I see you at a particular time, I don’t just want to have sex with you but I want to spend quality time with you. I want to listen to you. I want to listen to what you have to say. I am interested in you, not just that I want to be romantic with you, but I am interested in you as a human being. I want to go for a walk with you, I want to sit down and talk with you.”
* He only wants to please himself: “If there is love present then it means I want to please you. I want to make sure that I understand you and (understand) what pleases you,” Kazembe explained.
* He robs your freedom: “If I love you I give you freedom to grow and freedom to be whatever you want to be, including the freedom not to be around me,” Kazembe said.
Clinical psychologist, Dr Kai Morgan, said while some signs do not necessarily mean he does not love you, they are definitely warning signs to show that the relationship is going downhill and may eventually end loveless.
She concurs with Kazembe that if your man doesn’t want to spend time with you either alone or on dates, then this could be a sign that he does not love you.
“When he has no desire to be in the company with that person then something is wrong,” Dr Morgan said.
And when it comes to loss of intimacy, Dr Morgan explained that though a lack of interest could be due to other issues affecting the relationship, if it comes with lack of connection between the two, then it could mean he is no longer in love.