My husband and I have been married 30 years. We love each other, get on well and consider each other best friends. Our ongoing problem is sex.My husband has never been attracted to me, for whatever reason I will never know. (He’s not gay.) We have tried counseling and even splitting up for several years, to no avail. Finally, in my 40s I decided to have an affair which lasted eight years. It was the best thing to do under the circumstances, until my husband found out.
He didn’t blame me. He forgave me, such is the kind and loving man he is, but he could not accept me continuing in the relationship. So for the last year we have attempted to have a sex life with each other. I feel I have to beg for it to happen, and when it does, it feels like a duty and obligation with little pleasure involved.
I feel angry and resentful towards him now. I feel celibacy is the only option for us, or going back to an affair, which would hurt him terribly and probably split us up again.
Victoria

Victoria, since the 1980s, V8 vegetable juice has run the same commercial. It opens with a man or woman eating junk food. Then someone smacks them on the forehead and says, “You could’ve had a V8.” Consider yourself smacked.
The problem isn’t the sex. The problem isn’t the cheating. The problem is you married a man who has never been attracted to you. That’s the problem to fix. It explains the counseling that didn’t work. The trial separation that didn’t work and the cheating that only made things worse.
Why isn’t the obvious answer the right answer?
There is something you are getting in this marriage. Something you are staying for. That’s the tradeoff you made, the something you exchanged for a sexless marriage. There is no patch, jury-rig or duct tape to fix that.
Wayne & Tamara