“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?” 

“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”
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Measuring the height of a flagpole
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”
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What Liberals & Conservatives Generally Do In Certain Situations
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t` eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended.”
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Never reached so far
A Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, “Yeah, okay.”
I said I’m just making a cup of tea do you want one? He said, “Yeah, sure.”
I said I’ve just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, “Yeah, why not.”
I then he sat down and I asked him, “So what now?” He said, “I don’t know I’ve never got this far before!”
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Boy and blonde stranded
A boy and a blonde are stranded, in a blazing hot desert. They walk for miles and come across a shop. The boy buys food and water for the journey whilst the blonde bought a car door. “What will you do with a car door?” asked the boy and the blonde replies, “So that I can roll down the window for fresh hair when it gets too hot.”