I RECEIVED an email from an avid reader who explained her unhappiness as her casual partner of two years is unwilling to commit to her. This is not uncommon and it’s a shame that so many people take it personally, believing that it’s something that they are doing wrong. Commitment phobia is a real thing and many are afflicted by it.

True commitment phobia is a fear of any kind of commitment which involves other people, not necessarily just romantic relationships. It can even involve making decisions in other aspects of life such as job contracts, buying a house etc. However, indeed the most common is making a promise to commit to another person.

If you are worried that you may be involved with someone who has commitment phobia, there are certain signs to look out for. I’m telling you these because falling in love with someone with this particular phobia is very painful. I know we all want to believe we can change someone but most of the time it takes professional help to do so, something that someone who already has an issue committing to things most likely won’t do.

The first thing is your relationship may not be defined yet, meaning you have no idea whether you’re even officially together in an exclusive way. You can also tell a lot by looking at their past relationships. Were they short or non-committal? Are they in denial about them ever even happening? Had he/she never met their partner’s friends or family?
Those with commitment phobia may find it hard to commit to dates/events weeks in advance. They find it difficult to say yes as they like to take the relationship day by day so forget plans about the future in general.

They may have high expectations and be overly critical and picky about current relationships- intimate or not. This is because high expectations act as a defensive mechanism, a shield so that people won’t get far past it.

They tend to stray away from absolute language; meaning you will hear a lot of ‘maybes’, ‘might’, ‘let’s see’, ‘probably’ and so on. Language is so important and you may not hear the things you want to. People with these issues do not use words like ‘miss’ or ‘love’, ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. They will avoid these labelling words like the plague. Behaviour is also important; one day they may be really sweet and interested and another they may be distant, without any particular reason why. People with commitment phobia tend to have lots of acquaintances but very few close friends. They are typically loners and like it that way.

Most of the time, it isn’t anyone’s fault as there are many reasons why someone might be commitment-phobic. Human beings all crave closeness and intimacy with others but when it comes to being close to another person, some people have fear or anxiety at just the thought; it’s overwhelming for them. The reasons may stem from poor, abusive relationships in the past, being from a broken home, fear of rejection, trust issues, childhood trauma or abuse, and sadly, most of those things being out of their control.

However, if you are experiencing commitment phobia, there are a few things that you can do. The serious cases typically require professional help such as counselling, where you get to the root of the problem. Why do I feel like this? It’s an internal battle that can be dealt with.
You don’t have to focus on the forever as that brings all kinds of anxieties on its own. Just like if someone wants to lose weight, if they are picturing themselves one year from the day, looking how they want to, it brings so much pressure and added questions. Can I really do this? Is this ever going to happen for me? You can take your commitment to change one day at a time. A small step forward is still advancing.
Be open with your partner. It would help both parties to best explain how you feel and where these feelings came from. Your partner may be understanding and cater to little things that may reduce your anxieties. Honesty can go a long way in preventing the kind of tension and doubt that usually accompanies these situations.

If you are dating a commitment-phobe, you can stick it out and be patient, trying to understand the deep-rooted issues. However, if you have stuck it out long enough where you are unhappy, please remember that it is not your job to fix anyone and it is okay to let go. The individual has to accept that they have a problem and just as importantly, want to get help.

Thank you for reading and please continue to write in to caitlinvieira@gmail.com and let me know what you would like to talk about.

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